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Monday August 19th 2019

Councillors Forced Apart

Warring Tory and Lib Dem town councillors were this week told that as they cannot play nicely, they were going to be kept separate from now on.

St Neots will be split into two sections – the “West Side”, containing the Eatons, and the “East Side”, comprising St Neots and Eynesbury. Each local party will be invited to form a separate council for each side of the town.

Who gets which side will be decided with a best-of-three game of rock, paper, scissors between Larry Tapman (Con) and Steve van der Whitevanman (LibDem). It is not known whether the councillors will use actual rocks.

“I think it’s a fucking great idea,” commented St Neots Road resident Ellie Harworth, 52. “For ages now, all we’ve seen is councillors sniping at each other over who wants to shut the bogs, who made a little petition first, and so on. Pathetic.”

Harland Road man Matt Hampton, 44, added “People seem to have forgotten that this is one town. There’s been loads in the local papers recently along the lines of ‘Why should Eynesbury tax payers fund a community centre in Eaton Socon?’ and this will give everyone a chance to only pay for what they use, without having to cross any bridges.”

It is thought that the West Side will come off better, as despite having a lower tax base the East Side will still have to fund all the town centre amenities such as public toilets, the Market Square, and half of the Riverside Park which is being declared a no-man’s – or every-man’s – land. Councillor Tapman said “This is a fucking awful plan; the Lib Dems thought of it,” whilst van der Whitevanman commented “This was all orchestrated by them Tory wankers.”

Council leader Julia Wayward, who may end up leading either council, told the Citizen “I’m glad this has happened. Those boys are driving me crazy.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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