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Monday August 19th 2019

Daily Mail: “Can Cause Cancer”

National scaremongers the Daily Mail were taken aback today after their in-house team of Expert Scientists revealed that constantly reading about things that cause cancer causes cancer.

The Mail is well known for announcing at least one new carcinogen per week, and is said to have been working on a new list of things that do not cause cancer, as this would be shorter.

“We’re a bit taken aback,” said staff journalist Robert DuMall. “All this time we’ve been warning people about the dangers of age, air pollution, air travel, alcohol, allergies, artificial floorings, artificial light, asbestos, aspirin, babies, baby bottles, baby food, bacon, barbequeues, beef, beer, being black, being a woman, being a Southerner, biscuits, blowjobs, bras, bread, breast feeding, not breast feeding, breast implants, broken hearts, bubble bath, burgers, caffeine, calcium, candle-lit dinners, canned food, carbohydrates, cars, cereal, cheese, chicken, children, childlessness, chillis, Chinese medicine, chips, chlorine, chocolate, city living, climate change, cola, cod liver oil, coffee, constipation, contraceptives, cooking, cordless phones, crayons, curry, deodorant, dieting, dogs, eggs, electricity, English breakfasts, Facebook, false nails, fatherhood, fibre, fish, fizzy drinks, flip-flops, fly spray, fruit, fruit juice, gardens, grapefruit, hair dye, ham, height, honey, hot drinks, HRT, the internet, IVF, kidney transplants, lamb, large heads, left-handedness, lipstick, liver transplants, menopause, menstruation (sorry ladies, you’re screwed either way!), metal, milk, mobile phones, modern living, money, morphine, mouthwash, nuclear power, obesity, oestrogen, older fathers, pastry, peanut butter, perfume, pickles, pizza, plastic bags, pork, potatoes, poverty, pregnancy, radioactivity, rice, sausages, retirement, sex, shaving, skiing, soup, space travel, sun cream, talcum powder, tea, teen sex, third-hand smoke, vitamins, water, wi-fi, Worcestershire sauce, working and X-rays, and it turns out it was us causing most of the cancer all along!”

The paper announced it would be taking drastic action to reduce its deadly impact on its aspirational lower-middle-class readership by lobbying the Government to “do something about it” and “think of future generations”.

“I mean for fuck’s sake,” said DuMall, “I’ve only just finishing writing up next week’s cancer scare – letters – and don’t have time to be worrying about whether the very paper I’m writing for is turning people’s fingers tumerous as they read it! I blame the last Labour government, or possibly the Tories – I’m not sure whose fault it’s supposed to be this week.”

Expert Scientists suggested that the best thing people could do with the Mail is “buy it, and throw it in the fucking bin.”

Sparking a Marlboro, the Citizen noticed with amusement that cigarettes are not on the Mail’s hitlist. This paper definitely does not cause cancer.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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