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Thursday July 18th 2019

Dealers Bemoan Closure Of Toilets

Drug dealers in St Neots were today up in arms after the council announced it was to close South Street public conveniences.

video_game_toilets-791595The grotty old bogs, whose odour can be detected as far away as Little Paxton, have long been a blight on the landscape of South Street, especially since all the shops and warehouses on the road were turned into houses.

Resident Michael George, 51, who moved into a townhouse directly opposite the pongy pissoir in 2004, said “I keep thinking I haven’t flushed, but in fact it’s just the stench from across the road. It’s particularly bad on market day when so many weak-bladdered old dears visit from the Fens, they have to form a queue outside.”

However, not everyone welcomed the news. “This is a prime location for dropping off ching, horse, mandy and all manner of other drugs,” said Eynesbury dealer Ian Ovitch, 22. “The police aren’t allowed in without breathing apparatus so it’s relatively safe. And I always get my customers to rinse their hands and walk out shaking them dry, so it looks like they actually have just been for a slash.”

Councillors however denied they were taking the piss. “We can’t actually tell you why we want to shut the worst toilets in the district,” said a mysterious unnamed spokeswoman, “but as soon as we think of a reason we’ll be sure to let someone know.”

When we suggested the council use the sale of narcotics as an excuse, the spokeswoman flushed with embarassment and walked away.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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