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Wednesday March 20th 2019

Eighties Favourite Makes Comeback

Feature of the pavements during earlier economic downturns, white dog shit is poised to make a triumphant return to our walkways.

Talking heads on shows such as “I Love 1982″ often reference the canine excretions which, if left uncleared, turn a fossilised shade of white after a couple of days.

Council spokesman Bob Fillingborough said that, “In the seventies, no-one could afford to clear up dog shit, and in the eighties they were too busy shoving cocaine up their snouts and trying to achieve the perfect perm.

“As we moved into the nineties, and more prosperous noughties, richer councils were able to spend more on street sweepers, and the problem went away. Now, with cuts being made, children will once again hear their mothers cry, ‘No Billy! That’s not a piece of chalk!”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.


    4 Comments for “Eighties Favourite Makes Comeback”

    • Outraged of St Neots says:

      I’ve not seen any white ones yet, just the 7000 or so traditional brown turds spread liberally across the (relatively small) Shady Walk Recreation Ground behind Lidl.

      It’s not like it’s difficult to pick the stuff up – I manage to clear up behind my dog, and consider it to be a key element of responsible dog ownership.

      I’m very tempted to buy some novelty “crime scene” tape off t’internet and tape them all off in a very blatant CSI style… but I don’t have 5 days to spare :(

    • Dave Gruntled says:

      I shouldnt worry about this, its not going to be a problem for the good folk of St Neots, as im sure the wonderful Councillor Wayward will pick these up, when she does her rounds whilst skulking in Dark Alleys around the town looking for broken street lights!!!

    • Oi!! Correspondant says:

      Don’t worry about the rec. ground that’ll soon be covered with a huge great cinema shaped multi-coloured turd

    • Auntie Evans says:

      You know it’s winter when shit wears a fur coat

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