Your Premier Local News Resource
Thursday July 18th 2019

“Eynesbury On The Up” Nothing To Do With George Clooney

St Neots Town Council today denied reports that the Eynesbury On The Up campaign was anything to do with stilts and Oceans Twelve.

Recent advertisements for an event Ernulf this weekend say that “Eynesbury is on the up and local residents, with support from Luminus Group, are staging a day of fun and information for residents to find out what’s changing in the area and how to get involved.”

This fuelled speculation in the area that, as much of Eynesbury is prone to flooding, the housing association was planning to raise all the houses in the area by three inches using hydraulic piles, or stilts, in a similar style to the canalside buildings of Amsterdam.

The 2004 film, starring Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julia Roberts and the late Bernie Mac, among others, centred around the theft of the worlds oldest stock certificate and part of this plan involved raising an entire building by adjusting its underwater piles.

“It’s utter tosh,” said Deputy Town Mayor cllr Alan Runnings. “We mean Eynesbury is on the up in a social and metaphorical sense, not literally on the up.”

“Bugger,” said Caldecote Road resident Mary Lugden, 42. “I was looking forward to seeing George Clooney and his mob crawling around under my house. I’ll have to stick to repeats of ER on More 4 in the middle of the day.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

    Leave a Comment

    More like this

    Town Gears Up For New Complaint
    Town Gears Up For New Complaint

    Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

    Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi
    Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

    District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

    Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed
    Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

    Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

    Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup
    Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

    Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

    New School Thief-Proof
    New School Thief-Proof

    South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

    Microfiche

    Subscribe