“My house is cracking up,” said Burnt Close resident Sarah Camistic, “and if it goes on much longer I will be too.”

“It’s blatantly the fault of them scientists,” said Eaton Socon man Max Speed. “There’s probably a black hole underneath Eynesbury, which is ever so slowly, imperceptably shrinking all the houses.

“Of course, cement and bricks don’t like being shrunk, so they’re falling to pieces instead.”

Long-suffering CERN spokesman Guillaume la Trec said in an email to the Citizen that he refused to believe the LHC had anything to do with the houses in Eynesbury sinking, and maybe if we had got French builders to build them they would be better quality. “That’s as maybe,” retorted Camistic, “but we’d still be waiting for them to finish their thirtieth Gauloise of the day, and thirty years on we’d barely have foundations.”

Local geologist Garph Jonas, 27, offered another explanation for the phenomenon. “I reckon there’s some massive stone-age caves under Eynesbury, or possibly a mass grave for plague victims from Huntingdon. We should probably knock all the houses down on a whim to check.”

In other news, the Citizen reported this story without speaking to any councillors. Well done us.

Spokesman Beatty Broadband said “We’ve got to the middle of March and there isn’t one really good bit of shit to circulate around the town. I mean really! We’ve had to spread stories about how surprisingly chilly winter is just to stay afloat!”

The CWDD has a long history of keeping the town in gossip, rumours and careless talk – in fact many of the town’s facilities have been attributed to the work of the company. “They got us a KFC by telling everyone there was gonna be one,” said Wheatsheaf Road resident Ann Dré, “and look at all the fuss they created over the cinema!”

Indeed, over the last twenty years the company has gone from strength to strength – the only rumour it has not started itself is that it operates from the huge empty warehouse next to B&Q. “Although that is pretty useful,” chuckled Broadband. “Why do you think we keep telling people Asda is going to move in there? Lol.”

Some of the amenities cemented by the CWDD’s work include Subway, the ‘artwork installation’ by the roundabout at the Riverside Park, a bigger car park at the train station, and the Brampton Pie Company, which is soon to open a town centre outlet.

“Of course, some of our work is not so appreciated,” said another company insider. “We’ll hold our hands up to Eynesbury, for a start, and to most of the cycle lanes, including the ones on the bridge. But if we don’t find something to work on for 2010 we might have to close – and then you’ll never get a fucking cinema.”

County, District and town councillors were cock waving all day on the results. “You see, us Tory councillors have it all worked out,” said Larry Hackman. “Whoever said that my County and District counterparts were running the area in to the ground?”

Cllr Dave Lung, County Education spokesman and town councillor, said “It is a wonderful day for pupils and parents of St Neots.”

Sandra Smith of Church Street, Eynesbury, said she was “Delighted that my Billy got into Longsands, away from that rough SNCC place.”

But Mr Grim of Berkerly Street is not to sure about the results. “Seems to be a cop-out to me. Ain’t they re-branding SNCC as Longsands?”

Cllr Lung refused to comment further, only adding, “Whinging peasants, can’t they just be grateful they got their first choice school? Where is that moat cleaner, he’s only gone and left some leaves floating.”

Lib Dem town councillors have asked self-thinking councillor Terrence Dougall to respond to the Tory councillors press release. He is still thinking.

Huntingdon is now lagging behind its “better brother” St Neots in all-important amenities such as M&S and a household tip.

“This is farkin ridiculous,” slurred inebriated Thames Road man Olly Cromwell, 24, when we spoke to him at 8 this morning. “Next fing you know, Snots’ll ‘ave a ring road an’ a cinema an’ all sorts a shit.”

Indeed, St Neots is soon to play host to another Huntingdon favourite, the Brampton Pie Company, ensuring that not only will we have more ways to pass the time than Huntingdon, but bigger average waistlines too.

“We’re not shutting the Huntingdon branch,” said Pie Company spokesman Yufat B’stard, “but clearly St Neots residents are a bit more flush these days than the ‘PE29′ population, so it’d be daft not to take advantage of that by shoving arm-sized baguettes down their throats for nine hours a day.”

St Neots has a long history of playing the underdog to Huntingdon, which typically has better facilities than St Neots – including a cinema, of course; along with a bigger council estate, higher unemployment, lower petrol prices, a larger Tesco, and longer traffic jams – despite having a lower population. “Hopefully this is all about to change,” said cllr Paul Marcel. “We’re just going to try to everything a little bit better than Skagtown… erm, I mean Huntingdon – or failing that just get stuff first.”

Amongst the things the Conservative councillor plans to get to St Neots before Huntingdon are microchipped wheelie bins, compulsory ID cards, and probably – at this rate – a guided busway. “That’ll show the snotty little twats,” commented colleague Larry Hackman.

However, Marcel has recently caused controversy by recommending shoppers stay away from St Neots as it is too pricey – particularly the petrol. “Probably drive to Huntingdon innit,” he sqwarked on a local online forum. “Stuff’s cheaper there cos they’re all poor, or so I’m told.”

Disgusted Lib Dem Steve van der Whitevanman was quick to disagree. “I didn’t think of that first,” he said, “so you should probably shop in St Neots. Or somewhere else where the petrol is cheap, like Bedford. I’ve put an item on the next council meeting agenda to whinge for a bit about the petrol prices, particularly at Tesco, because every councillor has a right to waste the council’s time whenever he or she sees fit.”

Cllr Ffion Lurks commented that she was fed up of these silly boys, and promptly resigned.

The move came following plans by a local landfill operator to accept debris from dismantled nuclear power stations, rather than sending the waste to a secure disposal facility as in the past.

Samuel South of Peterborough City Council said that he was concerned that the waste would leach into the environment. But a spokesman for the water supplier retorted, “that’s exactly what we want to happen.

“Think of the the energy people will save, not having to have the light on while they shower, for example. And it’ll make it easy to find your glass of water during the night without fumbling around on the bedside table and spilling it on the cat.”

C. Montgomery Burns, of British Nuclear Power, said “Don’t be fucking ridiculous, radioactive water doesn’t actually glow. Well, maybe on the way out…”

Councillors including Paul Marcel and Larry Hackman parked a 1984 “Sundance 1000″ caravan in the Riverside car park, and declared that they would not move until everyone acknowledged that their petition to keep it free of charge is the best.

“It’s been obvious for some time that we are working hardest to get this resolved,” said Marcel today whilst emptying the chemical toilet. “I mean, our petition is printed on nice glossy paper, for a start.”

Hackman, making a pot of tea on the caravan’s two-burner stove, said “It got a bit hairy last night as the water levels rose and the park flooded, but we stuck it out and now where are the fucking Lib Dems, eh? Where are they? We win.”

Not to be outdone, Liberal Democrat councillors Steve van der Whitevanman and Terrence Dougall answered the question as to their whereabouts by setting up home in the South Street toilets, which are threatened by closure. “It’s alright actually,” said Whitevanman. “Nice view of Hen Brook, close to town for when Terrence fancies a pie or a kebab. Julia [Wayward] popped by with a nice pot plant and we’ve put a rug down at the entrance. Pleasant.”

Dougall commented that their next petition would “have glitter and fairies and stuff on it, so it’ll be way better than those blue fuckers camping in the car park!”

Council leader Julia Wayward was said to be at a loss for words at the further antics of “those idiot boys.”

“It’s just turning into another ridiculous cock-waving exercise,” she said, “which for numerous reasons I don’t participate in.”

The Camping and Caravanning Club were unavailable for comment.

The Citizen offices were today struck dumb by the rational, logical and non-sensationalist comments by Dougall regarding the planned opening of a new Ice Cream Parlour.

Dougall’s planning report stated that “It’s just too cold in this country for another ice cream outlet. Couple that with the detrimental effect it will have on children’s teeth, we just had to turn it down. Our local dentists have enough to do as it is.”

“What the fuck are we going to do now?” screamed the Citizen’s Editor, Tim C. “Our whole fucking business strategy is based on this bloke screwing up regularly.”

Regular Citizen hacks were reportedly shaking in their boots at the outburst. One, who chose to remain anonymous, said “Fuck this, I’m off back to Oi!!, I’ve seen him playing Russian Roulette with the P45’s.”

Industry experts have been quick to point out the now vulnerable position of the Town’s only independent news outlet. “It’s about time these wannabes got a taste of their own medicine” said local news editor Matt Scottish.

Rupert Murdoch was unavailable for comment.

Katie was driving within the speed limit, not on the phone, didn’t even have the radio on – but she did not see the cyclist, hit him and unfortunately killed him.

This was, in my opinion, an accident. The fact that the jury convicted Hart of causing death by dangerous driving – rather than careless driving, which she pled guilty to – is neither here nor there as far as I am concerned. The issue here is that a young girl has been sent to prison for accidentally committing a crime.

Take the case of Anna Hibben as comparison. This girl was driving unlicensed, uninsured, at night without lights, over the speed limit. She crashed and killed her 17-year-old boyfriend who was illegally supervising her behind the wheel of his car. She also claimed she was not driving, until it was proven that she was.

So here we have driving otherwise in accordance to your license, driving without insurance, speeding, and – as far as I am concerned – dangerous driving in terms of not having her lights on at night. Add attempting to pervert the course of justice (or the slightly lesser police obstruction) and you have all the making of a prison sentence, yes?

No. Hibben was given a nine-month suspended sentence and a three year ban.

Katie Hart, who has no criminal record (I can’t comment whether Hibben has a record or not as this is not noted in any report) goes to prison for (half of) 21 months for one offence.

Both accidents resulted in a death. Both girls should be treated at least the same. In fact, Hibben should be treated more harshly as she has committed not one but five offences. The jury in Hart’s case was, as far as I am concerned, wrong to convict her of dangerous driving. But following this conviction, surely a long driving ban, suspended sentence and maybe community service would have been a more appropriate punishment than jail?

Nothing will bring back either of the dead men, and of course both girls must be punished. But the inappropriateness of these sentences along with the disparity between them is, frankly, shocking.

HDC CEO Davis Munts was seen fleeing Barrtts department store using obscene language after trying to use the cafe toilet without buying anything.

Frightened staff were shaking after a tiraid of abuse from Mr Munts after being told that he would need to buy from the cafe to use the toilet facilities.

Betty Taylor-Harrogate, Barretts’ cafe cashier, was shocked to see such behaivour from Mr Munts, “I was scared and shocked, he was like a wild animal. All he kept screamimng was that he was touching cloth and need to use the toilets urgently.”

“‘Turtle’s head or not’, I said, ‘unless to buy a tea or scone your not using the facilities’.”

At this point an enraged Mr Munts fled the store and was seen heading in direction of Westgate’s. But quick thinking Barretts staff phoned ahead to give advance warning.

Having been seen off by staff at the Co-op department store, Mr Munts was seen heading to the soon-to-be-charged-for Lidl car park with a whiff in the air.

Mr Munts denied St Neots Citizen comment.

The machines, which measure 5′ square, will only accommodate approximately 5% of the town’s population, so large are their backsides.

“This is an outrage!” said local fence expert and councillor, Steve van de Whitevanman. “If I’d been planning such an enclosure it would be painted yearly and be at least twice as large.” He added, “As it is most of our residents have trouble fitting in the seats on planes. Now they won’t even be able to get past security.”

Security expert Lee Abbots said “I can understand the concern but look at it from our point of view. Would you want to see what’s underneath those black leggings and JB Sports trackie bottoms? No, I thought not. Best they stay at home or holiday at Butlins.”

Judith Chalmers was unavailable for comment.