Former council leader Julia Wayward had previously commented, “I think this town lacks a real sense of civic identity in the way that our neighbours have. We should consider elevating our mayor slightly so he stands out and has a real sense of identity in the town.”

The best way, said Wayward, to achieve this elevation was with the five-foot stilts, traditionally worn by clowns and, erm, stilt-walkers.

As for a sense of identity, Wayward went on the explain that the council were “spending £295 on a name-badge so everyone knows who the mayor is.”

Oh St Neots. How you’ve failed us.

We’ll be back mid June. Enjoy your two weeks of sunshine!

The Editor

Belland Hill, which gained it’s name sometime in the last couple of weeks, is not named after anything in particular, according to councillors and developers.

However, the name is just one vowel away from a slang term for part of the male anatomy – or rather the end of part of the male anatomy. This has got citizens a bit riled up.

“This is disgraceful,” said Stone Hill resident Mick Trucknell, 42. “It’s bad enough living on roads called Hill when there’s only a 0.5% incline, but making the first part of the name this explicit? They might as well have erected a sign calling it Nobend Close!”

Councillors were, predictably, not forthcoming about the new name. “The thing is,” said former council leader Derek Miles, “it’s usually the councillors who suggest names for the new roads, so one of them is clearly having a giggle. Maybe it’s got something to do with all the cock-waving going on now we’re friends with the Tories?”

Lib Dem town and now District Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman, whose email address is now a record 746 characters long, strongly denied adjusting the final A on the roadsign to an E, despite having smudgy black marker-pen ink all over his hands. “I was, er, drawing a poster, yes that’s it,” said WVM yesterday. “I certainly didn’t change the sign to say Balland or any other connotation…”

In other news, the Citizen has resorted to nob gags, and is very sorry,

The polls closed at 10pm last night, with two seats in Sunderland declaring within the first hour.

Huntingdon’s count, however, did not start until 9.08am. “We started counting this morning,” said returning officer Dean Dexter, “because we thought it was important for Gdangly to have a nap.”

Indeed, the incumbent MP was so adament that he needed at least twelve hours’ hibernation that it is rumoured he locked the doors and hissed at everyone until they got scared and went away.

“Channel 4 likened Cameron last night to a big evil lizard,” said Dexter, “but in actual fact Gdangly is closely related to the Kimodo Dragon. We didn’t really want to fuck with him – at one point he dislocated his jaw to show that he could easily eat three of us in one go.”

“It doesn’t really matter when we declare,” said counter Betty Huxley, 63. “Thaty Gdangly boy’ll probably win, but the way things are going he still won’t be in the leading party.”

A hung parliament looks almost certain this morning, with the Conservatives on 289 seats, Labour on 245 and Lib Dems on just 51, having lost six. “Really, I think we should be allowed to have a go at running this piss-poor constituency,” said bakery mascot Marvin Land. “If we win then our party can get together with Labour and form a Government, and really just wind the Tories up. Like, they won, but they didn’t…”

Gordon Brown last night was looking smug. “I’m not surprised,” said David Thimble of the BBC. “He may have lost but not by much.” Brown was last seen winking at David Cameron in a predatory fashion with his strong eye.

“It doesn’t matter what happens,” said editor Tim C, “we’re going to end up with either a posh Tory boy who uses his expenses to buy Kit Kats, or a scruffy Lib Dem who never wears a tie and looks like the mascot for a bakery in Parliament.”

“As for the Council, only the Eastside are voting so it’s sure to be a really fucking exciting contest.”

Hackman (3.5 inches) was spotted by sharp-eyed local man Gordon McQueen while out walking his dog this week.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Mcqueen. “There I was giving the old miniature poodle a trot through the Riverside Park about 7 when… wahey! Out pops the old feller on a customised Enjoi deck with nothing on but a pair of Etnies and a Union Jack helmet! He did a couple of back-flips and a rather spectacular nose-grind before treating us to his trademark cock wave. A couple of ladies were a bit shocked at first but were soon giggling with the rest of us.”

We caught up with Hackman later in the day. “Yes, it was me,” confided Lackman. “We’ve been trying to work up an election campaign based on my recent prestigious award. You did know I’d won an award didn’t you? My election strategists have seen my popularity soar on the back of it. By combining skateboarding, nudity and patriotism they think I’ll be appealing to the youth, female and nationalist vote. And I can cock wave without using my hands. None of the people I’m up against can do that!”

Hackman’s campaign manger, Citizen Editor Tim C, was a little more sheepish. “Yeah, Larry approached me at the award ceremony and asked if I could advise him on the forthcoming campaign seeing as I’m a media expert. I couldn’t pass on the opportunity could I?” said a grinning C.

Alastair Campbell was unavailable for comment.

Currently, most people have three wheelie bins, or different coloured bags for their rubbish. The new system will include up to 87 different coloured bags and fourteen bins.

“We think this is definitely the way forward,” said district councillor for Eaton Ford Rob Barrier. “The new scheme will allow people to properly sort their recycling and cut down on the confusion of what goes in which bin.”

Indeed, the new system is much more specific. Milk bottles, for example, go in the purple-with-yellow-stripes bag, whilst milk bottle lids go in the grey-with-pink-flowers bin. Other types of plastic are separated too: Coca-Cola bottles go in the see-through bin with squiggly lines on it, whilst Dr Pepper drinkers will dispose of their empty containers in the box with a picture of Spongebob Squarepants on it.

“Once everyone gets used to it,” said Barrier, “we’ll all wonder ‘why did it take so long to implement such a brilliant scheme?”

Eynesbury resident Joshua Nicassist, 34, called the scheme “absolute ridiculous bollocks.”

“Honestly,” he said, “where am I going to put my fourteen bins? I live in a flat for fuck’s sake. And the binbags – apparently they’ll only be collected when full, about every seven or eight weeks. They’re just going to end up ripped open by cats who will then be disappointed to find nothing edible inside!”

Indeed, the felines of St Neots look set to face disappointment. Meat and bones cannot be thrown into any of the bins, and residents must find a way to dispose of these items themselves. “What are we supposed to do with the leftovers from a Sunday roast, then?” asked Whitehouse man Jimmy Saddle, 67. “I suppose I could mould last week’s cabbage to look like an empty Snickers wrapper, and put it in the shiny bag with sequins on it, and maybe the carrots could pass as unused pens and go in the stationery bag – the one made out of tinfoil with hearts and butterflies drawn on. Fuck knows what I’ll do with the gravy though.”

This reporter, who drinks approximately seven gallons of tea per day, is more concerned about what to do with his used teabags. Councillor Barrier said, “I don’t see what the problem is. We’re providing a lovely net bag made out of rice paper for teabags – it will do the job perfectly, and be collected every six months.”

Long and complicated second names like Gdnagley and van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver have lead to a plague of difficult to spell names displayed all over St Neots.

Pre-empting this confusion, local parliamentary candidate Marvin Land had changed his name to “something easy to spell”. His original family name of Rumplestiltskin was seen to be too confusing in an environment where long and difficult to spell names were in vogue.

Land commented, “We were concerned that too many long, hard to spell names might confuse the electorate and lead to election fatigue which would be no good for any of us. So after van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver declined the offer to shorten his name I felt I had to.”

The plans, however, have lead to confusion amongst road users, residents and ramblers alike. The Town Hall has been “inundated” with calls asking where Marvin Land is and where the borders start and finish. A member of staff who did not wish to be named said, “I have to admit there were a few laughs in the office when pensioners and lorry drivers were calling to say they had entered Marvin Land. Lols.”

Local resident Ethel Farqhuit, 79, said, “We were coming back from Roxton when we saw all these Marvin Land signs, my husband Ron was worried as we didn’t have our passports, we thought we were in Cambridgeshire, no one told us about this new country. We blame the district council”

Local haulier Dave Skandia was also confused. “Nothing showed up on the sat nav, there were no border controls, my mate Bob said it might be a bit like Arnhem Land in Australia but wetter and colder.”

Huntingdon District Council were asked to comment and made the following statement:

“There is no such place as Marvin Land and to our knowledge there has been no declaration of independence locally. We assume he must be a person, even though nobody has ever physically seen him, and people should not be concerned that they may be in a different country.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver, who shortened hsi name to van der Whitevanman, told the Citizen “There’s no such place but wouldn’t it be good if we could declare independence from those tossers at district?”

Local candidate Jonathon Gdangley said he knew Marvin Land and said “he is certainly no country but soon could be if he got any bigger.”

Beatty Broadband, director of the St Neots Rumour Mill and Chinese Whisper Distribution Depot, today said that the company often releases rumours surrounding the future of the empty-since-completion warehouse, next to B&Q, in the hope that one of them will become true.

“Lots of things end up happening because we start a ridiculous rumour about them,” said Broadband, “such as KFC, Iceland and M&S opening in the town.” Indeed, such retailers previously seemed unlikely to open a branch in St Neots until the company got everyone discussing it.

SNRMCWDD, who are yet to make up a name which can be turned into a faintly amusing acronym, are also thought to be behind the massively pointless cinema campaign of recent years, despite denials from Broadband, who says the firm does not deal in lost causes. “We chuck that one through occasionally,” said a company insider who did not want to be named, “just for the lols really. It’ll never happen, but it’s real fun watching people get worked up about it.”

The latest rumour involves the use of the warehouse as the world’s largest greetings card retailer, of which St Neots currently suffers a deficiency. “There’s only about six card shops in the town right now,” said director of Card Universe Simon Sheen, “which is clearly not enough. Especially once we get the unbirthday recognised, which as anyone who enjoys novels written by kiddie-fiddlers will know is a successful card-giving occasion in Wonderland.”

It is thought that the company will occupy the entire warehouse, earlier moves to split it in two having been thwarted by overzealous Health & Safety officers. “Theoretically,” said HSE spokesman Don Kwon, “if you put a wall in somebody might walk into it, and that’d never do”.

English Heritage were aghast at the idea. The group says the warehouse is clearly going to be empty forever, so is working on having it listed immediately to save them the aggro in the future.

The roles of council leader and deputy leader will no longer exist, said Wayward today, as they are completely fucking pointless. “Honestly,” Wayward continued, “can you imagine actually LEADING such a rag-tag bunch of whinging little boys? No. No-one can do it. Let them fight it out amongst themselves, I say.”

As part of the process of delegating down the powers of the council leader to two new committees, Wayward herself will also be delegated. Conservative councillor Paul Marcel said, “We’re going to control one side of Julia, and the Lib Dems the other. This is ideal for SNTC as the left hand never knows what the right hand is doing anyway.”

Colleague Andrew Lanyard added that this was “a perfect example of a metaphore made flesh”, which made a lot more sense than his party’s manifesto.