Many had been puzzling for weeks why “traces of horse DNA”, rather than actual horse meat, had been found in many low-end frozen meals, and some aimed at the middle class as well.

“It’s simple, really,” local vet Khaled Mirogerous told the Citizen. “The reason we’re finding horse DNA is lasagnes and the such like is down to sexy inter-species parties.”

These so-called “Daisy parties” have become popular with horses across Europe, as the naughty equines force cows to dress up in feather boas and pretend to be of the same species.

Indeed, it seems the practice has been common for some time. Mirogerous told us that “up to 80% of cows may be up to 20% horse. However, the bovine DNA is dominant, so the cross-breed animals look just like normal cows.”

Indeed, the only way to tell the mixed-species cows apart is by watching for a slightly more extravagant swish of the tail than usually observed.

“This is news to the Horse Meat Marketing Board,” said commenter Julie Frenchinvader, whose organisation is currently leading the marketing of Lorp as a brand name for meat taken from Red Rum’s cousins. “We intend to join with the beef marketing chaps to look into rebranding this cross-bred meat as soon as possible!”

Names suggested for the new animal include Corse and How. More imaginative suggestions are invited.

In a test of the system recently, the CENITM told readers of a scam involving motorists being approached for the purchase of rogue items at Histon roundabout on the A14. However, when the Citizen investigated, it turned out that the entire article had been copy and pasted from a Facebook post made 48 hours earlier – complete with the usual bad grammar and spelling typical of the stalker-friendly website – and frequently shared by people with nothing better to do.

“It’s brilliant,” said editor Golden Brown. “We first came up with the idea when we stopped taking actual photos about three years ago, instead relying on stock images and an A14 sign we drew in MS Paint. Not a single person noticed. After all, the Hunts Poster has been doing the same thing for years!”

It is thought that staff at the newspaper’s Winship Road offices will be reduced to a large advertising team, and someone with a Twitter account.

Motorists on the A428 have been watching with interest from their daily traffic jam as the building takes place, noting that it appears to be made of MDF. However, this is not merely a frame in which to pour concrete – the whole school will be made of wood.

“It’s a brilliant idea really,” said education spokesman Gareth Polotomey of SCDC. “The net is closing in on metal thieves; they’re bound to start nicking whole buildings soon. So the new school is being built from chipboard – and I really can’t see anything going wrong with that.”

Indeed, it is not likely that the establishment will ever be stolen in full, but if it is, the council have another trick up their sleeves. IT director Harry Ofrex explained: “We’ve hidden a shiny Apple device somewhere in one of the walls. If the school is pinched, we’ll use Find My iPhone to track it, or to lock it remotely so no-one else can use it. Brilliant.”

All these advanced features have come at a cost – the school will have no fire detection systems. “Shouldn’t be a problem,” said Polotomey, “as long as none of the little darlings carelessly discard a fag-end on the toilet floors. I mean, kids don’t smoke these days, do they?”

The Evening News In The Morning reported yesterday that Robert Pinata of Bedford had been banned from a number of local stores, including Waitrose and Co-Op, after applying a five-finger discount to the delightfully bubbly wine totalling more than £1,200.

However, duty manager Martin Blackboard, of St Neots’ Waitrose store, said that in fact, Pinata had mostly been targetting lower-end wobble water.

“I watched him do it,” said Blackboard, “so that I could chase him down and tackle him to the ground. He was perusing our really pricey stuff, as well as the mid-range like Moet & Chandon – which we no longer keep in a pretty cabinet. But every time, he was taking some sort of ‘English sparkling wine’ or ‘Champagne-style drink’ – you know, the sort of thing we only sell in Waitrose in case someone from a council estate wins a hundred quid on a scratch card.”

Pinata, who travelled from Bedford to St Neots on the Mighty X5, was said to be disappointed. “My mate Darren told me Moet was the best in the world,” he said. “I think he may have been shitting me. And the headache after drinking all that – Jesus.”

It is suggested that, in future, lower-class criminals stick to two-litre bottles of Blue WKD and cherry Lambrini.

The microwavable delights were quickly withdrawn from sale so that the allegations could be investigated.

Horse marketing board spokesman Andrew Shire said, “It is absolutely disgraceful that some of these meals did not contain pure horsemeat, or, as we are trying to get everyone to call it, lorp.”

Indeed, it is thought that a selection of the dishes, which are made for Findus by a French subcontractor, may have included as much as 40% cow meat. “It’s not on, really,” stated Eynesbury man Colin Mistrekztka, 26. “If I buy a certain type of meat, I expect it to actually be that meat. Imagine eating cow! What sort of scum do you think I am?”

“It seems obvious really,” said Robert Kilroy-Silk, who used to host his own show until he turned into an on-air racialist. “Plenty of people seem to think Christ is still alive, or is coming back, so we’re going to make damn sure that the Kyle show is the first to get him on live TV.”

Indeed, it is thought that certain parts of Chav Culture are merely an increase in fundamental religious adherence by teens and dole-queue scum across the nation. Anthropologist Nicholas Kandaharas of Anglia Neskin University explained that most chav activities can be traced directly to the teachings of the bible. “First of all,” Kandaharas explained, “there’s the two-dads thing. Jesus was raised by Joseph of Nazareth but always knew he had a different, absent dad – in this case known as God. This is probably why the Kyle show are so interested, as they could perform a DNA test.

“Furthermore, his old dear pretended to be a virgin, but was clearly a slag, sneaking off to visit this God character behind her husband Joe’s back, despite the fact that he worked hard as a carpenter while she sat on her fat arse, and even trekked hundreds of miles to pay taxes for her – which in turn funded her benefits and were probably spent on Stella and weed. It’s just classic unfaithfulness, is what it is.”

The evidence that chavdom is inspired by Christianity extends further. “Jesus never worked, despite the fact that his step-father had a skilled trade which he tried to teach him. Then there’s the turning over of merchants’ stalls in the Temple Market, which is a clear early root of the mindless vandalism of today’s little ASBO twats. And the alcohol dependency issues – turning perfectly good water into booze, which is a metaphor for spending all your JSA on Super Tennents.”

It certainly does seem that the Big JC may be a perfect guest for the ITV show, but the Citizen doesn’t fancy Kyle’s chances of booking the big man himself. “The Jeremy Kyle Show is filmed in Manchester,” explained local priest Fr Mort Rothschild-Goldberg-Picton, who is definitely not Jewish. “I’d like to see you try to get our supposed saviour to visit that fucking cesspit!”

The revelation came following a three-year relationship which recently turned into an engagement. Many thought the next logical step for Timothy Edwards, an attorney, and fiancée Amanda French would be to litter Facebook with scans of a barely-discernible foetus. “It doesn’t make sense,” complained French’s sister Clare this week. “There must be something wrong with them, like, they’re about to split up or something.” Edwards’ associate Marcus Alexanders, also an attorney, said “They must hate kids or something, surely?”

However, says Edwards, the decision is far more selfish than that. “We just quite like money,” he told the Citizen, “and children take most of it. I’m not really anti-children, but I have no active desire to produce any.” French told us that, “Should a pregnancy occur, we’ll probably cross that bridge when we come to it.”

In a further twist, the couple revealed that, unlike many of their friends, they were not planning to obtain any pets in lieu of offspring. “Really,” said acquaintance Ash Sandfield, 24. “I’m not having children so I’ve recently bought a dog, which, to all intents and purposes, will fill the role of a baby, but I can shut it in the kitchen when I’m bored of it.”

Expert Scientists previously believed that the phenomenon had died out sometime around 2002, when companies all over the country started either letting people slum it daily, or making them dress up for the last 20% of the working week.

Chef and Citizen Southern Correspondent Marcus Slazengé, 25, said, “I was very surprised to learn that casual Friday is an actual thing. I wear chef whites seven days a week, and have never worked in an office, so I thought it was one of those mythical things you hear about, like stationery cupboards, or lunch breaks.”

Indeed, Slazengé was more surprised to learn that CF was not only real, but current. “Shocked, in fact, is the best word to use,” he continued. “In this day and age, is there really any reason to dress up in uncomfortable collared attire if you aren’t at a meeting or something? Nah man.”

A spokesman for Expert Scientists, often referred to by lazy daily tabloids such as the Mail, told this reporter, “It makes very little sense. It should be dead. We thought it was dead. I mean, if it’s acceptable to wear trainers and such on a Friday, then  shouldn’t it be acceptable every day? Holding on to antiquated business traditions that we thought had been killed by climate change helps nobody. These CF companies need to wise up. Next thing you know, we’ll be hearing that they still use fax machines and print things out and put them in files! Madness!”

The Citizen, of course, has no such dress code, preferring to stick to not the first date rule, but the “would you wear it at home watching the telly?” rule as to what is acceptable. Instead of worrying about attire, we prefer Mind-Boggling Success Friday, which comes after Make Some Cash, Yeah? Thursday.

Thus far, no-one has complained.

Despite a heavy security presence made up of former Gurkhas dressed in high visibility jackets and hats, the wandering tealeaves managed to dismantle a really solid barrier made of roadworks cones and set up a small village in the car park of an empty building.

Questions were asked, however, when it was revealed that no-one had seen them turn up. “The problem here,” said genetics expert Alan Quail, of Cambridge University’s English department, “is one of a unique genetic mutation, caused by years of inbreeding and living in caravans.”

Indeed, it appears that the pikeys have gone invisible.

“This is a very dangerous development indeed,” Quail told the Citizen. “If they’ve gone invisible, then they’ll be able to pinch your nan for scrap and you won’t even see them leaving!”

Bluefence employee Steve Ernst, 31, arrived for work this morning and was immediately disappointed. “I walked really slowly passed the mysterious gypsies,” he said, “and no-one offered me lucky heather, or tried to sharpen my knives!”

Story submitted by Ercol Parker

As Cambridgeshire shivered its way back to work yesterday, following Monday’s mass skive during which 75% of workers stayed at home, with excuses ranging from ice to snow and back again, researchers at Anglia Neskin University told the Citizen that the seasonal weather had limited the county’s discourse. “There were two brief breaks in the chat about the chilliness,” said Herman Von Munchenkoln, of the University’s social sciences department. “These were afforded by the horseburger scandal, which accounted for 10% of conversations, and the remaining 8% was down to Tuesday’s heavy early-morning fog.”

Much of the snow discussion was made up of people talking themselves and their colleagues into not going to work, or reviewing how bad the journey had been due to the slippery surfaces. Arec Lichardson, of St. Neots-a-like town Wantage, Oxon., said “On Tuesday, it took me until Wednesday to get home. I had to turn around and go back to my desk, carrying with me the odour of unwashed socks. All because of the weather!”

Indeed, your editor himself had a tough time walking from Citizen Towers to the local One Stop to buy delicious foodstuffs. “The 200 yard walk took me about five minutes,” said Tim C., “but I only slipped over fourteen times, so nothing too serious.”

It is thought that once discussion of what happened in the snow dies down, musings of whether or not it will snow again will cover around 76% of all speakings, dropping to 13% after nine days. “However, should it actually precipitate anew, we’re not going to be hearing anything else until at least Valentine’s Day,” said Von Munchenkoln, “at which point you’ll have to put up with either what your colleagues’ significant others did for them last night, or how very lonely the single ones definitely are not. The lying shits.”