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Monday June 18th 2018

Further Outrage At Tesco Carpark

Recently-revamped Tesco in Barford Road is once again causing consternation with it’s car parking policies.

Rowley Road man Trevor Forest, 29, visited the store yesterday (Tuesday), and, despite having a two-year-old with him, was asked to move when he parked in a parent and child space. “I wasn’t happy,” said Forest. “A car park attendant came and told me I had to move, because the spaces clearly said ‘mother and child’. I assumed that this was just a slightly outdated turn of phrase and that anyone with a kid could park there.”

Not so, said the car park attendant in question. “It clearly says mother and child. This guy was six foot three with an unruly beard; there was no way I was letting him get away with pretending to be a mum.”

The spaces, to the left of the store entrance, were expanded when the larger Tesco Extra location opened, as well as increased disabled-driver spaces in front of the shop. “These spaces have been provided to help our valuable female customers with babies shop with us, as it can be hassle and effort getting pushchairs and the like out of the car – as well as an actual baby – in a normal parking space,” said spokesman Phil Fawcett.

“However,” he continued, “Tesco are planning to trial a number of new restricted spaces within the new smaller car park now that the issue of men possibly bringing their children to the store – which we had previously not considered – has been brought to our attention.”

It is thought that once the company have split the car park into all the new categories – including dad with child, over-65′s with grandchildren, mothers with multiple children, parents with children over three but under eight, groups of four or more aged between 19 and 24, people spending more than £22 on alcohol, customers buying televisions and those who refuse to eat vegetables among many others – there’ll be approximately seventeen spaces left over for any user not falling into the above designations.

“We think this’ll make it easier to find a space,” said Fawcett, “as shoppers will know exactly which section of the poorly-designed award-winning lot to head to.”

On hearing the news, Mr Forest was further angered. “For fuck’s sake,” he ranted, “it wasn’t even my kid. Where are the spaces for lazy men who have offered to ‘look after’ their niece for a couple of hours?”

The new system will be in place by April 1st.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.


    One Comment for “Further Outrage At Tesco Carpark”

    • Dave Gruntled says:

      looking on the bright side, the section of parking set aside for the minority group “Worthy & Effective Lib Dem Town Councillors” wont reduce the remaining 17 slots by any slots at all!!

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