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Tuesday May 23rd 2017

Horrorpope

Aquarius (20/1-19/2)
Is there anything more liberating or revitalising than “mooning” at the wind Aquarius? No.

Pisces (20/2-20/3)
“A stitch in time, saves nine” – unfortunately not so in your case Pisces! This popular saying has taken on an eerie meaning for you all after attending last week’s Knitting World Championship. But try not to worry, after all, who could have predicted that a last minute dropped-stitch would lead to the decapitation of nine of the hopeful contestants?

Aries (21/3-19/4)
Mercury moved into it’s 4th cycle on Monday causing Venus to implode, while Uranus was eclipsed by Saturn’s Ring (it is a lovely ring!). February’s waning gibbon disappeared on Monday, bringing with it changes. Perplexed? Yeah, me too!

Taurus (20/4-20/5)
Taurus, you crossed a line by posting photographic evidence of your weekend “clubbing antics” on your nan’s facebook wall on Monday. Remember there are some things you get up to that your elderly relatives can do without seeing. You should make amends with a generous donation to the W.W.F. and by apologising to your nan. You know seals are her favourite animal.

Gemini (21/5-20/6)
I respect your right to protest Gemini, but Dirty Protests just aren’t nice.

Cancer (21/6-22/7)
Just stop being so damn malignant. It’s not true that everyone loves cancer. *

Leo (23/7-22/8)
1. Preheat the oven to 200C/gas 6. Lightly butter a large gratin (?) dish. Do it!

2. To make the sauwce, place a milk in the onion and in a sauwcepan leave. Add the bay leaf and bring slowly. Boil.

3. Remove from pan and heat, leave the onion! Bay Leaf Infusion for 20-30 minutes.

4. Meanwhile, h*** the butter and flour together in a sauwcepan and c**k for 3-4 minutes, stirring continuously.

5. Remove the onion and bay leaf from the milk and slowly add it to the flour mixture, whisking continuously, until the sauwce thickens into a smooth viscosity. Don’t worry if everything ‘tits-up’ at this point. Not even the author can follow these instructions, especially when mashed off his face on monkey puzzler!

6. Remove the heat from the pan with your skin (optional). Swim in nutmeg and grated cheese.

7. Meanwhile, bring a large sauwcepan of water to the brink of orgasm, while inserting a pasta as recommended on the packet.

8. Scatter (placing is prohibited) the garlic over the base of the dish.

9. Drain the pasta, non-stick pasta! Transfer the pasta to the pasta dish! Pour the sauwce over it. Stirring as you go, so the pasta and sauwce will begin to flow.

10. Sprinkle the top with creadbumbs and Parmesan. Dot the surface with butter and c**k for 15-20 minutes, until bubbling and golden. Chives.

Delicious!

Virgo (23/8-22/9)
John, quick poser for you… Which is better ‘Snooker Loopy’ by Chaz ‘n’ Dave, or the Big Break theme tune?

Libra (23/9-23/10)
I know how you feel Libra, I wish Anne Robinson would fuck-off and die, too! Anyone know what star sign she is, I might have to re-write one of these?**

Scorpio (24/10-21/11)
Strangely there are no Scorpios in St.Neots this week, as they have all won Holidays to Faliraki after successfully identifying the missing character as ‘Pat Butcher’, in a T.V. Weekly Competition. Well done!

Sagittarius (22/11-21/12)
Sagitarians – you are renown for being ethical and wilfully independent. Today’s moral teaser, however, will prove tricky even for you. Here goes:-

My son is one of the 158,000,000 children worldwide forced to work. He is a victim of the worst kind of child labour. He’s five years old. Should I get him to pay the bills as well my mortgage?

Capricorn (22/12-19/1)
Rainbow is your colour. Dancing is your gift. Everything is fine. Enter the age of Love. Happiness is coming home. The Eschaton is calling. Gaia, the Goddess, beckons us forth into Her bossom. We are One. Goddamn Hippy! – ed.

*Administrators note 1 (on advice of our legal department): This is not a reference to the controversial advert for MacMillan’s “Old Ropey” half cut hand-rolling tobacco, first published in the London Times, 1926 May 21st edition.

**Administrators note 2 (on advice of our legal department): Benny  T. Bean is not a trained medical physician and has no diagnostic capabilities. Any offence caused by the words contained in this publication is entirely intentional and directed squarely and personally to Anne Robison yet in no way attempts to belittle the condition from which she is suffering; or, mock those similarly plighted. He is merely an angry, frothing, seething, cuntflap with Typing Initiated Tourettes Sydrome (T.I.T.S. – abbrev.)!



Benny T. Bean

Benny T. Bean (of indeterminate age – so far carbon-dating has proved unreliable) began his formal education under the tutelage of Kirklawitz Munkapunk at the University of Firm Nudges, graduating in the summer of ’99 and receiving a doctorate in ‘Being quite good at writing ‘n’ that’.

Spending the next 11 years in an acid-haze (believing himself to be a tramp by the name of Grubby Pete), B.T.B. soon cleaned-up his act after a chance meeting with Francisco Sanchez. Sanchez immediately cognized Pete’s steaming, yellowed genius and sequestered his writing talents for the Citizen.

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