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Sunday December 17th 2017

Horrorscope

Resident astrologer Benny T. Bean fills you in on what happened to you last week.

Aquarius (20/1-19/2)
Remember that bird that was looking at you in the Weeping Gash? You know, that actual feathery pigeon, not a lady. You weren’t paranoid, it wanted you dead.

Pisces (20/2-20/3)
It was definitely the Council’s fault that you stubbed your toe on the High Street when you were pissed. Call a compensation lawyer.

Aries (21/3-19/4)
That bout of “food poisoning” was nothing to do with those reduced prawns. It was the four bottles of rosé that did it. Stick to ale in the future you massive ladyman.

Taurus (20/4-20/5)
You lost your wallet somewhere near the vets in Eaton Socon. Unfortunately it has been recovered and your money liberated by angry underage chavs.

Gemini (21/5-20/6)
Discussions about twins this week just made you look a fool.

Cancer (21/6-22/7)
You’re right, Expert Scientists are controlling your thoughts from deep under the High Street. It’s their fault you spent all your wages on payday and now have three weeks five days ’til you’re seen right. You’ve also been channeling Hard-Fi.

Leo (23/7-22/8)
You might want to check your Facebook status. When you Googled “How to rid the world of immigrants”, you were in the wrong tab…

Virgo (23/8-22/9)
Well John, it’s been another banner week at the snooker hall. Last Wednesday’s trick shot amazed everyone, you deserve a Guinness for that my friend.

Libra (23/9-23/10)
Sadly, no-one was laughing with you following your “hilarious” Maddie joke in the Pig & Falcon last Tuesday. They were laughing AT you. I hope you feel ashamed.

Scorpio (24/10-21/11)
Wednesday’s Lottery numbers were 6, 14, 18, 29, 33, 38. The bonus ball was 9. No-one else knows this result. Good luck travelling back in time and buying your ticket.

Sagittarius (22/11-21/12)
You were in the right during your arguement about the correct punctuation of St Neots. It’s not a possessive, so you don’t use an apostrophe. The full-stop in the middle is optional.
Sadly, everyone lost respect for you when you did a little sick on your jumper. Next time, less cider.

Capricorn (22/12-19/1)
Yes, those kids outside are attempting to tag your cat.

Benny T. Bean

Benny T. Bean (of indeterminate age – so far carbon-dating has proved unreliable) began his formal education under the tutelage of Kirklawitz Munkapunk at the University of Firm Nudges, graduating in the summer of ’99 and receiving a doctorate in ‘Being quite good at writing ‘n’ that’.

Spending the next 11 years in an acid-haze (believing himself to be a tramp by the name of Grubby Pete), B.T.B. soon cleaned-up his act after a chance meeting with Francisco Sanchez. Sanchez immediately cognized Pete’s steaming, yellowed genius and sequestered his writing talents for the Citizen.

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