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Thursday July 18th 2019

Huntingdon Count Starts Late

Counting Huntingdon constituency’s votes in the farcical 2010 General Election has just started, reports the BBC.

The polls closed at 10pm last night, with two seats in Sunderland declaring within the first hour.

Huntingdon’s count, however, did not start until 9.08am. “We started counting this morning,” said returning officer Dean Dexter, “because we thought it was important for Gdangly to have a nap.”

Indeed, the incumbent MP was so adament that he needed at least twelve hours’ hibernation that it is rumoured he locked the doors and hissed at everyone until they got scared and went away.

“Channel 4 likened Cameron last night to a big evil lizard,” said Dexter, “but in actual fact Gdangly is closely related to the Kimodo Dragon. We didn’t really want to fuck with him – at one point he dislocated his jaw to show that he could easily eat three of us in one go.”

“It doesn’t really matter when we declare,” said counter Betty Huxley, 63. “Thaty Gdangly boy’ll probably win, but the way things are going he still won’t be in the leading party.”

A hung parliament looks almost certain this morning, with the Conservatives on 289 seats, Labour on 245 and Lib Dems on just 51, having lost six. “Really, I think we should be allowed to have a go at running this piss-poor constituency,” said bakery mascot Marvin Land. “If we win then our party can get together with Labour and form a Government, and really just wind the Tories up. Like, they won, but they didn’t…”

Gordon Brown last night was looking smug. “I’m not surprised,” said David Thimble of the BBC. “He may have lost but not by much.” Brown was last seen winking at David Cameron in a predatory fashion with his strong eye.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

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