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Saturday September 23rd 2017

Increased iPhone Theft Lowers iPhone Theft

Police spokesman Kim Stonely-Bolton has revealed that increased theft of much-coveted iPhones in St Neots has in fact reduced reported theft by 85%.

“This is brilliant news,” said Stonely-Bolton, “as it shows that Cambridgeshire Constabulary are succeeding in creating a safer county.”

The actual reason for the drop in reported thefts is that snooty iPhone users are unable to lower themselves back to using a common Nokia, and without a “Crap, my phone’s been nicked” app they are unable to report the loss to the rozzers.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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