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Wednesday July 17th 2019

Lack Of Parking Infuriates Residents

Locals were today perplexed and angered that it had become impossible to park in the town centre.

Parking on the Market Square has been suspended for the weekend to allow for the time wasting SunFest, also known as the August Festival, Summer Festival or Sort-Of Carnival, to take place.

Residents of the further reaches of the town were enraged. “If I want to go into town I should bloody well be able to,” spluttered Belland Hill man Maurice Lichen, a 32-year-old IT professional who has recently moved to the estate. “I always park in the Market Square as it’s impossible to spend more than an hour in town, and I should be able to do that whenever I bloody well want to.”

Eaton Socon mum of two Lisa Aston, 24, said she had planned to take her three-year-old twins to Costa Coffee, despite the fact they are far too young for caffeine, and was unable to. “I don’t actually drive,” said Aston, unemployed, of Jellicoe Place, “but I was still annoyed that if I could then I wouldn’t be able to park.”

Conveniently forgetting that there are plenty of other car parks and that parking is only suspended for the weekend, councillor Graham Wellington-Boot railed against the organisers. “Businesses in the town are sure to go into liquidation at the rate of one every 33 minutes because of this,” the councillor spat. “Clearly those of us who organised SunFest are to blame.”

Other councillors were so conflicted that they were unable to comment on the issue, but as usual it seems they’re sitting on both sides of the fence simultaneously, and fiercely blaming each other.

It’s thought that approximately seventeen people will attend the free event on the Market Square, fifteen of which will have got lost looking for non-existent toilets.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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