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Thursday July 18th 2019

Large Hadron Collider May Succeed Where AA Failed

Ten years ago the AA attempted to rid the world of St Neots by literally wiping it off the map.

Fortunately, life does not immitate cartography and the town survived. However, now a new and much more real threat presents itself in the form of the Large Hadron Collider, or LHC.

A group of Expert Scientists at CERN, the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, are this evening preparing to fire up the LHC in order to recreate the Big Bang, and hopefully learn about the origins of the universe.

However, a breakaway group from the 8000-odd scientists at CERN, who are made up of over 500 nationalities from the worlds leading scientific institutes, has claimed that the experiment “will cause loads of tiny black holes. These will grow exponentially and eventually may turn the planet inside-out.”

More worryingly, the LHC is reported to be located 100 metres underground somewhere between Geneva airport and the Jura Mountains, in Switzerland, but this new group have hinted that the machine is in fact twelve feet under St Neots.

Longsands College science teacher Winter Daw said, “If the LHC is indeed located underneath St Neots, we will probably find ourselves disappearing into a black hole very soon. These so-called Expert Scientists seem to think that if a black hole does occur, the town will turn upside down and block it up, and no-one will really miss it very much.

“Worse still, the LHC runs on fuel made of ducklings, bunnies, toddlers, the pig from the movie ‘Babe’, and kittens’ tears – it really is quite attrocious.”

Guillaume le Trec, a spokesman for CERN, said, “Clearly this is all, ow you say it, utter bollocks. First thing, we would never put kittens tears in our fuel. Second, the LHC really is underneath Switzerland. And thirdly, if you do fall into a black ‘ole, it’s really nice in there – all sorts of rainbows and cinemas and things.”

The Citizen plans to report on the outcome of the recreation of the Big Bang at CERN, but if it goes badly we won’t be able to. As one local resident and Daily Mail reader put it: “Nothing must ever change or we’ll all die.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.


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