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Thursday November 23rd 2017

Local Couple Keep Facebook Mostly Baby-Free

newmumLocal new parents Edward and Leanne Spatchflick today fielded bewildered wall posts from friends concerned about the health of their child, Errol, who was born three weeks ago.

Other than one quick “look, this is our new baby” snap taken with Edward’s HTC Desire just after Christmas, there have been no exhaustive albums, or even single photos, of the baby posted to Facebook. “I was all worried an’ that, innit,” Mrs. Spatchflick’s friend Kirsty Hargendas, 24, told the Citizen. “Normally, by now, I’d expect to see a good three full albums of almost-identical photos of the child doing absolutely nothing interesting. But no!! I was worried he had died or was a bit special or ginger or something.”

Indeed, the trend for posting every single snap of your offspring has grown recently, with one local girl, Mandy Newmum, 19, uploading 2,417 out-of-focus progency pictures within a month of the nipper busting it’s way into the world – despite the fact she had not yet named him.

“I went to school with Mandy,” says Mr Spatchflick, 30, of Jutland Rise, “and her obsessive posting of baby batiqs really made my mind up. To me, Errol is the most wonderful thing in the world. But I understand that to everyone else, it’s just another snivelling brat, and two smug parents. No need.”

The Citizen later learned that an anonymous caller had contacted the NSPCC, and asked them to go round and check that the Spatchflick young ‘un was safe and well. “We’re seeing this more and more now,” said spokesman Dr. Ben Ardoes, “as social networking sites fill up with blurry phone photos of people’s rugrats. But really – if they grow up with this constant imagery online, where is the fun in embarrassing them with a huge album of previously-unseen evidence when they bring home their first girlfriend? I urge parents to think of the long game – and maybe not end up deleted from all of their non-reproducing friends’ timelines too!”

The Citizen Editor’s sister recently had a sproglet, but has managed to keep the baby-to-normal post ratio at an acceptable 1:3.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

Citizenship

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