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Thursday July 18th 2019

Local Man Fails At Dragon’s Den

Local entrepreneur has failed to impress BBC2′s Dragons with his latest invention, SatChav.

Eaton Socon man Darren Feave, 28, designed SatChav to assist local criminals in escaping when in unfamiliar areas.

“Ya know what it’s like, like,” said Feave. “You’re runnin dahn the road wiv a telly an’ you take a wrong turn through some alleyway or other. Then you find yourself runnin into the arms of the rozzers.”

The Queens Gardens/Monarch Road area of Eaton Ford and the Duck lane area of Eynesbury are well known for their comprehensive, and often confusing, network of alleyways, shortcuts and greens – where the houses face a pedestrianised zone rather than a road. Often there is little or no indication which street a house belongs to.

“I’m awright rahnd Eaton Socon, like, cos I’m Westside born an’ bred,” said Feave. “But a while ago I robbed a satnav out of a car parked in Mallard Road an’ got a bit lost.” Feave spent over three hours running aimlessly around Naseby Gardens and Whitehall Walk, before being arrested.

“I got gripped cos I thought I’d use the satnav to get aht of Eynesbury, like,” said Darren. “But it were shit. It just kept tellin me to make a legal u-turn.” Whilst serving six months for burglary, Feave came up with the idea for SatChav.

“It’s brilliant,” his colleague Wayne Waynes told us. “It has all the alleyways and garden fences and stuff on and uses Google Earth to track the Old Bill. It’ll tell ya if yer better off jumpin’ over the garden wall or hidin in a wheelie bin for a bit. Chavs and hoodies alike will love it.”

Dragons Peter Jones and Duncan Bannatyne were impressed with Feave’s initiative, but said they could obviously not endorse a product which aides and abbetts housebreaking. Theo Paphitis stated that, this aside, it was clearly a terrible idea as the main use for SatChav “would be to nick other people’s SatChav units”, meaning that sales would be low as people would just steal one, use it to track the rest down and sell them on the market, “probably for a tenner.”

Feave was said to be disappointed, but vowed not to give up even if he had to “rob another post office for funds”.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.


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