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Saturday June 24th 2017

Local Man Overexcited By Local Infrastructure

Eaton Socon resident David Norway, 32, was recovering today after a minor mental breakdown as he got too excited about the completion of local engineering projects.

The Roberts Close man, who works as a drug guidance counsellor, had been away on holiday for two months, and missed the completion of both the Chav Superhighway and the guided bus.

“I couldn’t believe it when I got back to St Neots,” said Norway. “I got back on Sunday and needed milk, bread – the usual things that you’ve let go all mouldy in your fridge while you’re away. Little Tesco was really busy so I hopped on my bike and headed for Eynesbury.”

But as Norway approached the River Mill, a casual acquaintance riding the other way asked him if he’d been over the new bridge yet. “I was shocked,” explains Norway. “I never expected the Chav Superhighway to be finished, but it was, and I cycled all the way to the Eastside on it. The tarmac was smooth and the inclines on the bridge slight. It was amazing!”

Flushed with pleasure, Norway completed his shopping and repeated his journey in the opposite direction. “By the time I got home, I needed a sit-down and a cup of tea!”

The following day, Norway travelled by train to Huntingdon for a meeting then caught a bus to Cambridge. “I was annoyed at first because my usual 55 bus had been replaced by a ‘B’. I didn’t think much of it though,” he explains. But as the bus left St Ives, Norway noticed a change in surroundings. “You’d barely believe it: we were actually on the busway!” spluttered Dave. “By the time we got to Cambridge I was hyperventilating. I pretty much messed my pants!”

Doctors at Addenbrookes diagnosed Norway with Unlikely Project Completion Disorder and prescribed a heavy dose of sedatives. They expect him to be able to return to work within months. “I don’t know what I’ll do if they ever upgrade the A14,” he told the Citizen. “I’ll probably have a heart attack, I’d imagine.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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