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Wednesday March 20th 2019

Local Papers In Catnap Shocker

St Neots was stunned today by the revelation that local newspapers may be stealing cats in order to generate front page stories.

The shock claims come after a sharp increase in the number of felines going missing in recent weeks, particularly from the Eynesbury area. “Well, at first we just thought it was typical Eynesbury chavvery,” said Cats Protection League spokesman Tom Katz. “Then we realised that cats are quite difficult to pinch without specialised equipment, on account of all the claws and fangs and things.”

Residents’ claimes that some sort of cat mafia has been despatching unwelcome interlopers and burying them under local patios was quickly dismissed as a plot too poor for even Brookside to consider repeating.

“Clearly,” said Katz, “the rise in missing moggies is something to do with the local rags. Look at their leading articles is all I’m going to say.”

Indeed, the frequency with which no other news is available – which has led to the Citizen’s own reporters struggling to find anything newsworthy – does appear to have forced the editor of the News, Crier and Something to resort to deperate measures. Editor Matt Scottish mouthed off at our undercover reporter over a pint, “Well all people seem to be interested in these days is town councillors having tit-for-tat scraps, and there’s been none of that recently. How else am I gonna get a paper out weekly? I’m not just gonna make stuff up am I.”

When asked explicitly if the paper had been purloining pussycats for the purposes of column inches, Scottish said “All I’m saying is if you’ve got a cat, you might not wanna live in Eynesbury when our print deadline is approaching…”

A similarly worrying rise in TWOC’d tabbies has been noted on the Oxmoor in Huntingdon. The Hunts Poster refused to comment.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

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    One Comment for “Local Papers In Catnap Shocker”

    • Matt Scottish says:

      The, urm, cat’s out of the bag and my exclusive has been ruined. Still, no point crying over spilt milk.

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