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Thursday July 18th 2019

Local Restauranteurs Demand Assistance

Local food purveyors Superturks Ltd have told residents it is their fault that there are not more eateries in the town.

The group, which owns Market Square Café and Hotspot Chicken, has hit back at whinges by Neotians that the only non-fast-food options in town are Il Girasole, the Priory and the Weeping Gash.

“We have worked very hard,” said spokesman Sammy Constantinople, “to provide quality eats for locals over the years. If you’ve eaten a kebab in the Neots we’ve probably owned the shop at some point, and now we run two of the finest outlets in town.”

Indeed, the chicken emporium, which opened last year in the former High Street bakery location, is widely regarded as the best chicken in town – challenged only by USA Chicken and the Westside’s KFC.

However, efforts to open a Turkish restaurant, the Bosphorous, in the former Audio-Vision store opposite Steve’s Taxis, have fallen rather flat. “They put up an Opening Soon sign,” said South Street neighbour Jimmy Stash, 32, “but nothing much has happened since. It’s a shame, I was all excited about eating a kebab whilst sitting at an actual table, rather than stumbling down the High Street spilling chilli sauce everywhere.”

“The reason for the delay,” says Constantinople, “is that due to the recession not enough people are turning up to spend £5.20 on a breakfast that’d easily feed three in the Market Square Café, and only when pissed do they spend enough on our wonderful fried chicken.

“If people want the opportunity to eat non-junk food, they are going to have to start eating more junk food.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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