Your Premier Local News Resource
Monday August 19th 2019

Local Schools Abandon Phonics For Nuspeak

Local primary schools have announced that they will not follow Government plans to use phonics to teach children to read.

A story in the national news today (Saturday) explained how children will be tested on non-words such as ‘zort’ and ‘koob’, to ensure they are not simply memorising words and regurgitating them like some sort of literary sparrow feeding it’s chicks.

St Neots educators were disgusted. “Despite the fact that most of us learned to read using phonics in the eighties and that,” said year 2 Crosshall teacher Andrew Parr, “we’ve decided this is a stupid idea and instead will teach children to speak how people actually do – chavspeak, basically.”

The Citizen attended a cross-school meeting of teachers held at Bushmead last week, where the main debate was around spellings of certain chavvy words. “We’re not sure,” said Priory headteacher Lisa Crawley, “whether it should be ‘blood’ or ‘blud’, for example. Many chavspeak words are essentially formed phonetically but there are, as with traditional English, some anomolies.”

It is proposed that new reading tests will pose youngsters questions and ask them to answer with a word or two, rather than merely spelling a word read out by a teacher. Questions will include “You meet your breds down by the river. There’s three of them and one bird. What is an appropriate greeting?” – the answer to this, of course, is “Safe fam, wha gwarn?”

More traditional educators were horrified. “It’s bad enough they’re all speaking like this,” said English teacher Sue Anders of Longsands, “without us encouraging it. Bunch of little twats.”

The new curriculum begins next week.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

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