Your Premier Local News Resource
Thursday July 18th 2019

Local Schools Dubbed “Prison Playgrounds”

school fenceConcerns were last week being raised by parents about the need for the fences that have been recently erected around our local schools.

Spokeswoman for the parents association and town busybody Ms. Thorninside attacked the decision to envelope school playgrounds with metal wire fences at a council meeting, saying “It surely is not necessary to cage our children within school grounds in this manner.” She went on to describe theses changes as creating “…prison playgrounds.”

Local Councillor Mr Whitevanman responded stating “How else do you expect us to keep the little fuckers in?”

The furore has escalated still further this week and has even resulted in questions being raised in Parliament. The Secretary for Education, Ostrich Headinsand MP, when questioned by the opposition on the Government’s decision to take such measures, responded in surprisingly candid fashion saying, “Everyone knows that the modern curriculum is a pile of bollocks designed to churn out a generation of morainic, illiterate kidults while simultaneously increasing national pass rates. We are already stretching public opinion dangerously thin, so much so  that even the ritalin-infested youth can smell the bullshit a mile off. This is the only obvious solution to stop the youngsters from escaping state-sponsored brainwashing. I mean, we can’t have children that are capable of thinking and learning for themselves can we? Where would that leave us?”

Out of a job this reporter would contend.

The debate rages on.

Benny T. Bean

Benny T. Bean (of indeterminate age – so far carbon-dating has proved unreliable) began his formal education under the tutelage of Kirklawitz Munkapunk at the University of Firm Nudges, graduating in the summer of ’99 and receiving a doctorate in ‘Being quite good at writing ‘n’ that’.

Spending the next 11 years in an acid-haze (believing himself to be a tramp by the name of Grubby Pete), B.T.B. soon cleaned-up his act after a chance meeting with Francisco Sanchez. Sanchez immediately cognized Pete’s steaming, yellowed genius and sequestered his writing talents for the Citizen.

Citizenship

    Leave a Comment

    More like this

    Town Gears Up For New Complaint
    Town Gears Up For New Complaint

    Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

    Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi
    Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

    District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

    Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed
    Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

    Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

    Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup
    Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

    Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

    New School Thief-Proof
    New School Thief-Proof

    South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

    Microfiche

    Subscribe