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Friday August 18th 2017

Marrowdope

itattooz-libra-zodiac-tattoo-picsResident gastronomical-astrological tramp Grubby Pete, otherwise known as Benny T. Bean, guides you through the cosmos or something.

Virgo (23/08-22/09)

see Capricorn.

Libra (23/9-23/10)

Librans are all about balance and like a poorly made propeller, if you are imbalanced you will rapidly fall apart. For this reason I would advise you to give-up drugs and alcohol. Thankfully, you can now send all your mind-unbalancing chemicals and plants to the St.Neots Citizen (c/o Benny T. Bean), Citizen Towers, St.Neots, Cambridgeshire as part of the St.Neots Citizen’s Drugs Amnesty.

Scorpio (24/10-21/11)

.ti gnitirw rof ma I naht egnarts erom era uoy neht ,egassem sdrawkcab siht daer ot emit eht nekat evah uoy fI

Sagittarius (22/11-21/12)

Here are some anagrams for you sagittarius:

I is gas, u tart!

Tug a rat Sisi.

I…I gut ass tar!

U – sagi tits, ra!

Tastii sugar.

Capricorn (22/12-19/1)

see Virgo.

Aquarius (20/01-19/02)

Lip-up fatty, fatty lip-up fatty, fatty reggae. What more can I say?

Pisces (20/02-20/03)

Pisceians are well known for being generous and charitable, so why not get involved in my fund-raising event ‘Hairless for the Homeless’. All you need to do to get involved is download the ‘sponsor-me pack’ at www.hairlessforthehomeless.com and then find people to sponsor you to shave-off all your body hair in the name of a good cause. You must also keep the hair you remove because it is going to be recycled into clothes and blankets for the homeless community in St.Neots. Then just send it to me along with before and after photos – simple!

(Unfortunately due to some bureaucratic bullshit I don’t understand from the charity commission, I can only accept female participants between the ages of 18 and 45.)

‘Hairless for the Homeless’ is part of the St.Neots Citizen’s Pube Amnesty.*

Aries (21/03-19/04)

Plinth.

Taurus (20/04-20/05)

1.21 Gigawatts!!!!!!

Gemini (21/05-20/06)

Geminis are known for their sense of humour, but you have been feeling down recently and not in the mood for joke-telling. This is because Venus (your spirit planet) has been in a state of ‘reversal’ (when it spins in the opposite direction to normal). This will begin to change, however, sometime towards the end of next week when it reverts back to its regular spin-cycle. Until then just keep in-mind this well-known saying:

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

Just as well really, because it’s not socially acceptable to cry-wank in public. (See also crwnk, Welsh, v., to lubricate one’s self-abuse with salty tears of despair)

Cancer (21/06-22/07)

This is a taster of my latest tune. I’ve invented a new genre of music, which sounds like a flaccid kind of gangsta rap – I call it flip-flop.

Bean Treatz – I’m from the mean streets of St.Neots Town, yeah I got massive feet, but that don’t make me a clown. But I is funny tho, with the honeys yo, I like the nice girls and the dirty hos. I’m a lyricist, a verbal pharmacist, prescribe you word-drugs that make your mind twist. Like elastic, I’m fantastic, but if you push me I’ll go spastic. I get drastic, got bare plastic, loads of cash to splash and a massive dick. It will own you, when I bone you, I will make you cum and then won’t phone you. On the mic I got peng flavours, on the stage some strange behaviours, i like crisps ‘n’ that, but i don’t like cheesy quavers, so all you ravers understand, i is a saviour in your hand, coz i done so much for rap, Dre owes me some favours. I’m bringing hip-hop back, from sticking like a ball-sack, to your inner thigh, when the temp is high and you done too much crack. I got bare rotent green, so much white its obscene and I be bangin’ 7 gram rocks like I was Charlie Sheen.

‘Charlie Sheen’ by Bean Treatz will be available to buy soon on iChoons.

Leo (23/07-22/08)

Lettuce.

Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce.

 
*Citizen Editor would like to make it clear that the St.Neots Citizen does not have a Pube Amnesty.

Benny T. Bean

Benny T. Bean (of indeterminate age – so far carbon-dating has proved unreliable) began his formal education under the tutelage of Kirklawitz Munkapunk at the University of Firm Nudges, graduating in the summer of ’99 and receiving a doctorate in ‘Being quite good at writing ‘n’ that’.

Spending the next 11 years in an acid-haze (believing himself to be a tramp by the name of Grubby Pete), B.T.B. soon cleaned-up his act after a chance meeting with Francisco Sanchez. Sanchez immediately cognized Pete’s steaming, yellowed genius and sequestered his writing talents for the Citizen.

Citizenship

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