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Thursday July 18th 2019

Merger Talks Break Down

Discussions of a merger between St Neots and it’s inferior neighbours Huntingdon and St Ives today ended without conclusion after councillors cited ‘irreconcilable differences’.

The Citizen reported on the merger last month, with councillors Marcel and van der Whitevanman getting all excited about the prospect of ‘taking over’ their lazy counterparts in the other towns.

However, during discussions on what to call the new town, things turned ugly. “We’d previously agreed to call in St Huntingives,” said councillor Marcel, “despite having an underhanded scheme to leave the historical name of St Neots intact. After all, St Ives and Huntingdon are just made-up names as far as I’m concerned.”

Matters came to a head when Huntingdon councillor Susan Mulligatawny refused to sign an accord stating that the river Great Ouse, which runs through all three towns, belonged to the largest of the three alone. “Everyone has equal rights to this waterway,” said Mulligatawny, “and mayor Gordon Wicksteed has no right to demand a new tax for each litre flowing through Huntingdon. I told him to fuck off! His town doesn’t have ‘shire’ written after it does it?”

The group of St Neots councillors then walked out of negotiations. “They have no clue about how to behave when someone better than you is offering to take away your woes,” said cllr van der Whitevanman. “The only thing I’m worried about now is our cinema – we might actually have to build one, instead of just claiming that Huntingdons is in St Neots.”

Residents again had mixed emotions. “It’s a shame really,” said Andrew Morson of Avenue Road. “As a lover of gyratory systems, I was looking forward to improved access to the ring road. Now I guess that’s just another dream I’ll never realise.” Brenda McShaw, on the other hand, was delighted. “I moved to St Neots years ago to get away from the fucking Oxmoor,” said Ms. Mcshaw, who lives in Milton Avenue, “and I don’t want to be subsumed into some horrible soulless estate without even moving – thank you very much!”

The council said it was looking into alternative mergers, with Bedford and Cambourne considered likely targets. “There is however a town called Eynesbury in Australia,” said Terrence Dougall, “and if we can build some sort of rubber busway and claim it belongs to us we’ll all have much lovlier weather.” A team of councillors will visit this month on a nine-week jolly fact-finding mission and report back as soon as the sunburn dies down.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.


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