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Thursday July 18th 2019

Name Is Definitely Problem

letter-writing-image1Dear Sir,

I recently read your fine article about the late proliferation of equine sustenance available from that fine small business T.E.S. Cohen, plc, as well as a store named after a country, and several foreign ones with all the vowels in the wrong place.

I could not agree more with your reporter Señor Sanchez, and his interviewee, that perhaps the issue here is not the type of animal, but the name by which its tasty muscular offcuts are known.

I therefore propose a new name for horseburgers: Lorp. I suspect that, if marketed correctly, Irish and Dutch Lorp could become world-leaders in their category, much like Newmarket or Lincolnshire sausages, Gloucestershire pork, and eggs from chickens raised in Free Range, which I believe is a small borough located out in the Fens somewhere – but do excuse my rusty geography!

I have taken the liberty of trademarking the word Lorp and releasing it under a common license, so that anyone may produce a product of at least 65% horse, and name it thusly. I cannot wait for the first ever buy-one-get-one-free offer on ready-to-eat Lorp steaks at our local honest grocer – that of Mr Cohen, esquire, is sure to be the first to snap this quality new meat up – and the opening of a new KFL drive-through nearby.

Finally, the name comes with a ready-made marketing tag: “Why, I’m so hungry, I could eat a Lorp!”

Miss J.A. Frenchinvader


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