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Saturday November 17th 2018

New Houses “Might Mean More People”

Huntingdonshire District Council this week proposed another 5000 houses for St Neots, despite the fact that no-one is available to live in them.

Development has already slowed on the Loves Farm development in the Far East section of the town, on account of nobody buying the houses. Larry Tate, spokesman for developers Slovis, said, “We’ve been having trouble selling houses on the Loves Farm Development so the council has decided the answer to this is to build another five thousand houses on the other side of the road.

“Anyone can see this is madness,” Tate continued, “Even we aren’t that fucking stupid.”

However, District Council spokesman Ian Thwaites said, “This kind of development is exactly what is needed in St Neots. Indeed, more houses might actually mean a population boost in the town.”

Unemployed former Town Council spokesman Dean Dexter, who was fired for his comments about the August Festival, said, “Obviously the District Council think that St Neots is some sort of well-connected urban centre. This is obvious because they said so. They must be living in a dream world. Clearly the East of England Development Agency are upset that their plans for Hanley Grange got overturned and want to shaft another small town instead.” Hanley Grange was to be the first so-called Eco Town in Cambridgeshire, but after Tesco pulled out plans were shelved. Local residents are also unimpressed. A local pyromaniac was quoted as saying, “Flaming heck, not more houses. D’you see what I did there?”

Developers Carrot Homes, however, were optimistic about the possibility of building a massive new estate behind the builders centre, and said, “If you let us do it we might build you a cinema.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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