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Monday July 24th 2017

New School Thief-Proof

cambourne wooden village collegeSouth Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft measures.

Motorists on the A428 have been watching with interest from their daily traffic jam as the building takes place, noting that it appears to be made of MDF. However, this is not merely a frame in which to pour concrete – the whole school will be made of wood.

“It’s a brilliant idea really,” said education spokesman Gareth Polotomey of SCDC. “The net is closing in on metal thieves; they’re bound to start nicking whole buildings soon. So the new school is being built from chipboard – and I really can’t see anything going wrong with that.”

Indeed, it is not likely that the establishment will ever be stolen in full, but if it is, the council have another trick up their sleeves. IT director Harry Ofrex explained: “We’ve hidden a shiny Apple device somewhere in one of the walls. If the school is pinched, we’ll use Find My iPhone to track it, or to lock it remotely so no-one else can use it. Brilliant.”

All these advanced features have come at a cost – the school will have no fire detection systems. “Shouldn’t be a problem,” said Polotomey, “as long as none of the little darlings carelessly discard a fag-end on the toilet floors. I mean, kids don’t smoke these days, do they?”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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