This year’s annual dinner dance of the St Neots Lynch Mob and Glee Club will take place at The Little Thief Restaurant at the Black Cat Roundabout. “This will give us great view of drivers knocking people off bikes and things, and we’ll be able to get out there straight away and tell plod exactly... »
A mysterious chav who no-one can name or identify has been handed a restraining order to ensure he stays the fuck out of Dodge. In fact, commenters on a local web forum were today at a loss to describe the person who has only been described in the news as “a man, or woman, between... »
A two year restraining order has been placed on an Eynesbury councillor convicted of thinking in a public place. The councillor, who cannot be named, pleaded guilty to one case of thinking for himself and another two counts of harassment by dangerous thinking. The charges were brought against him after a number of incidents in the... »
Following a media furore this week when Tesco in Cardiff refused to allow a council estate dole queue mum into the store in her grotty pyjamas, the company are responding to customer criticism by trialling new forms of “sustainable transport parking facilities”, beginning with the St Neots site. Myfnwy Mwr, 28, complained after the Evil... »
Following national media coverage of the “St.Neots Needs A Cinema” Facebook group, St Neots Town Council today announced plans to base all future policies and decisions on Facebook groups. The group, which has the “tremendous support” of around 2,500 members and spells the town name incorrectly, has been cited in local and national papers as... »
Local law enforcers were today said to be glad that they had a scapegoat for every single crime committed in the five weeks that the Unique bar, on South Street, was open. “It seems a likely target,” said local copper PC George Plotkiss. “Now the bar has been shut down, we can say that every... »
Concerns were last week being raised by parents about the need for the fences that have been recently erected around our local schools. Spokeswoman for the parents association and town busybody Ms. Thorninside attacked the decision to envelope school playgrounds with metal wire fences at a council meeting, saying “It surely is not necessary to... »
Bus franchise firm Ragecoach, the operator of St Neots cross-town link service the Mighty X5, has confirmed today that it’s bus stop signage is not there to be helpful to customers, following confusion over a new bus stop on Love’s Farm. “Listing the stopping services only confuses the user,” said Rageoach spokesperson Elle Ington. “Our... »
Huntingdonshire District Council were today under fire from St Neots residents, who claimed that St Neots was not getting it’s fair share of snow. The town’s location in a geographically distinct “bowl” or dip means that the temperature in St Neots is on average 1.5ยบ higher than Huntingdon or Cambridge, but also means that locals... »
Older people in St Neots have been making the most of this week’s snow by infuriating their children with stories of how it was much colder when they were kids. Betty Bean, 61, regaled all who would listen with stories of how “When I were a lass, we had frost on the inside of the... »
Local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman hit out at claims that a man getting his ear bitten off and an attempted shooting at Unique this week were “isolated incidents”. “I find it hard to believe this was isolated,” said van der Whitevanman as the Citizen paraphrased his post from the St Neots forums. “Less than... »
St Neots Town Council was today smiling all over its usual miserable face after the EU gave it a big pat on the back for the hundreds of eco-friendly Christmas light displays installed in the town centre. Despite popular belief that almost no lights have been put up following a massive balls-up two years ago... »
Childish local councillors Paul Marcel, Harry Shipman and Terrence Dougall were today reported to be excited about starting full-time primary education in the Spring term. Following revelations that the councillors are all in fact five years old – explaining instantly why they all act so childishly – Bushmead and Middlefield schools offered places to the... »
St Neots is set to become the envy of market towns country wide with the installation of a new “Guided Cinema.” Following the lengthy planning process to find a suitable cinema site to become derelict within a few years the council has now taken the bold step of employing forward thinking specialist cinema locators... »
Local residents today expressed uncertainty as to whether last night’s “Big Switch On” had in fact gone ahead. The usual events surrounding the illuminations went ahead as planned yesterday (Friday), including a rubbish fair with about four rides, and displays from various local dance troupes and suchlike. But Grosvenor Gardens resident and former manager of the... »
Hot on the heels of the news that Cambourne’s population is the most fertile in the world, your roving Citizen reporter can reveal that the following was overheard during the weekly trolley dash round Morrisons. “What is it with this place? All the buggy-pushers in here look like Vicky Pollard!” Startlingly it soon became apparent that... »
