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Thursday July 18th 2019

Residents Demand Name Change

Residents of St Neots second-newest estate, otherwise known as a development, Eynesbury Manor, are demanding a change of name for the area after homeowners and tenants on Cambridge’s Arbury Park achieved a similar victory.

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Not wishing to be associated with the notorious North Cambridge estate, a resident’s group on the new site, sandwiched between Kings Hedges and the A14, managed to lobby the City Council to officially name the new area “Orchard Park”.

Eynesbury Manor is not quite the same, lacking as it does Orchard Park’s planned wealth of facilities, such as shops, schools, bus stops and even a post box or two; and being essentially a glorified housing estate.

Eynesbury Manor is not even the official name for the area, it is in fact just a district of St Neots – and then not until 2011 when the parish boundaries are redrawn. But the developers’ names for areas have a habit of sticking in St Neots, the Parklands area being the most notable example, and Love’s Farm being the most obvious – being built, as it is, on Love’s Farm. “It makes me chuckle a little bit,” said local property company Twiglet Homes marketing manager Ronald Lawrence. “Whenever someone builds a new estate – sorry, development – I come up with a pretty name to help flog it to people who have never visited the town. Some, such as Kingsmead (the Priory Park estate) do not stick, but most such as the Island and Eynesbury Manor do.

“Love’s Farm even looks set to become the official name for St Neots first new proper subdivision, which would be a bigger stroke of genius if I had actually made it up myself.”

But what monikor to slap on the much-maligned municipality, which in the past has been referred to variously as Eynesbury Floodplains and “What, they’re building underwater?” Eynesbury Riviera was mooted months ago by our own reporters, but new arrivals from out of town are adamant that the E-word is not acceptable – despite Eynesbury having been the original town upon which St Neots was founded.

“Well, I thought Eynesbury was a nice word when I bought my house off-plan,” said former Abingdon, Oxon resident Jean Batchworth, 53. “There was the added fun of guessing how to pronounce it – like Eye-ns-bury, Eensrough etc. Then I moved here and realised Eynesbury was looked upon as the ‘slightly dirty’ East side of town, and this is sure to drop the value of my townhouse which isn’t in town. Most upsetting.”

Most people questioned thought that a historical link would be appropriate, despite Eynesbury being a corruption of Ernulf’s Burgh, after the 12th century Bishop of Rochester. As we know, locals are wont to ignore this fact, rubbing the Bishop’s name into obscurity earlier this decade by changing the name of the local secondary school to something instantly forgettable.

“How about New Barford?” suggested June Harpendale, 39, formerly of Bolton, Lancs. “Sounds quite nice, and there’s that village nearby eh, Great Barford or Little Barford or summat.”

Town councillors immediately rubbished the idea. Steven van der Whitevandriverman, himself a long-serving Eastside resident, said “this is all bollocks. These people need to accept they have been sold a lie, and Eynesbury is not posh. Un fucking lucky mate, now, re-election yes? Good.”

The Citizen expects that in twenty years’ time, only people under the age of 30 now will remember the estate ever having had a name, especially since by this time it will mostly be sub-aqua anyway.

Image © www.st-neots.co.uk which is not associated with the Citizen

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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