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Saturday June 24th 2017

Road Will Keep Name

savcloseResidents of an upmarket Westside street have refuted claims that the name of their enclave is to change.

Angela McFarquar-Farquarrsson-Smith, of Savile’s Close, off Crosshall Road, said that following many towns such as Scarborough in altering the name to avoid parallels with the late sex pest Jimmy Savile would be a step too far.

“Honestly,” McFarquar-Farquarrsson-Smith, who lives in a seven-bedroom house with tennis courts and indoor pool, and room for a pony, said, “I know he touched kids but I would like to think our private road more conjures up images of tailoring world-leader Savile Row, rather than a googly-eyed Northern television presenter who has rather overused the term ‘Baltimora’. I’m not saying it is not disgraceful, what this man did, but for goodness’ sake, grow up.”

A large anti-paedo mob recently sprayed Savile’s Glencoe cottage with poorly-spelled graffiti, apparently not realising that, being dead, Savile no longer lives there.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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