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Monday July 24th 2017

Rubbish Weather Still A Shocker

St Neots residents were surprised to find, once again, that the weather over the bank holiday was due to be bloody awful.

The Citizen has always aimed to keep locals up to date on the terrible meteorlogical situation over the summer, as when we correctly predicted two years ago that it’d probably rain. “August bank holiday isn’t supposed to be pleasant,” said Michael Shark of the Met Office. “If it was sunny everyone’d be heading for the seaside and complaining that the roads were a nightmare – or worse still, a national embarrassment.”

Indeed, motoring organisations were the only ones predicting the opposite of misery over the last three-day break until Christmas. “Fuel has gone up so much that local garages are just writing ‘joke’ on their polesign where the price used to be,” explained AA spokesman Bill Flatyre, “and with the added bonus of all this rain we expect to see major routes pretty clear this weekend.”

RAC counterpart Andy Cambelt agreed. “If you can afford to head to Lowestoft or something you probably should,” he advised. “There’ll be loads of free parking and once you’ve filled the car up you might have enough cash left for a siggy bag of chips.”

Neotians, however, were nonplussed by this supposed good news. “They really must do something about this,” complained Irene Pavillion, 38, of Longsands Road. “I mean it really is not good enough.” When pressed on who “they” were and how exactly something could be done about the weather, Pavillion muttered something about the council.

Former council leader Julia Wayward was quick to retort. “I’m not a councillor any more, so I can safely tell you to stop being such a whiny bunch of bastards,” she said in a statement this morning. “Obviously it was going to rain – everyone’s already bought disposable barbecues and enough burgers to feed the Libyan rebels for a week. Idiots.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

Citizenship

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