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Monday August 19th 2019

Seals “Probably Not Armed” Say Wildlife Experts

Expert Scientists sought to allay fears of residents today after it was spread about on the internet that various water-dwelling creatures, such as seals and otters, were planning some sort of wildlife war.

The rumours started after a seal, which startled some cows in Holywell near St Ives, gained national media attention this week. People living on estate development Eynesbury Manor said that otters in the Pocket Park had threatened to “take that fucker down”, claiming that they should be famous, not “some sniffy little youngster”, and the situation spiralled from there.

“This is a brilliant example of Chinese whispers,” said Rumour Mill plc spokesman Beatty Broadband, “and we didn’t even start it! Bonus!”

Worried locals soon contacted unspecified Government departments demanding that something be done. “My garden backs on to the brook,” said Field Cottage Road man John Taut, 60, “and I’ll be blowed if I’ll have the little fuckers launching fluidy grenades at each other across my daffodils! ‘They’ should sort it out!”

Indeed, the MoD said it was considering taking action. “We can’t have animals getting all uppity – next thing it’ll be opposable thumbs, and we’re all fucked!” said an employee who wished to remain anonymous.

“Unfortunately,” he continued, “we’ve spent far too much on energy saving lightbulbs and are still hoping to invade Libya, so we can’t commit right now.”

CERN spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that Neotians should still be on the lookout for blade-toting pigeons, after a swan was savagely stabbed with a tiny knife last month.

Don Draper

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    2 Comments for “Seals “Probably Not Armed” Say Wildlife Experts”

    • sophie says:

      omg poor seals and otters i hate that kind of things save seals and otters you dont want them to become extinct do you like of they could fight back you may be dead and why are you killing poor inisent animals what did they do to you i mean hurtfull and just plain wrong if you agree to put a end to this say i like i do it it just wrong kiling inisent animals what did they do to you huh!!

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