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Thursday July 18th 2019

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Horse and cowMeat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal.

Many had been puzzling for weeks why “traces of horse DNA”, rather than actual horse meat, had been found in many low-end frozen meals, and some aimed at the middle class as well.

“It’s simple, really,” local vet Khaled Mirogerous told the Citizen. “The reason we’re finding horse DNA is lasagnes and the such like is down to sexy inter-species parties.”

These so-called “Daisy parties” have become popular with horses across Europe, as the naughty equines force cows to dress up in feather boas and pretend to be of the same species.

Indeed, it seems the practice has been common for some time. Mirogerous told us that “up to 80% of cows may be up to 20% horse. However, the bovine DNA is dominant, so the cross-breed animals look just like normal cows.”

Indeed, the only way to tell the mixed-species cows apart is by watching for a slightly more extravagant swish of the tail than usually observed.

“This is news to the Horse Meat Marketing Board,” said commenter Julie Frenchinvader, whose organisation is currently leading the marketing of Lorp as a brand name for meat taken from Red Rum’s cousins. “We intend to join with the beef marketing chaps to look into rebranding this cross-bred meat as soon as possible!”

Names suggested for the new animal include Corse and How. More imaginative suggestions are invited.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

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