I am writing regarding recent Slazangé sponsor, Dr Tim Crevensman, your news paper is a relevent part of the national league of snoutmanry.
As you are well aware (the Citizen covered it) Dr. C became the No.1 champion of the June 2011 Grantchester Snoutman’s Relay finals.
Now I am extremely dissapointed and rather embarrassed to say that after some rumors of foul play an investigation was carried out into Dr. C and said sponsor.
In short, as you are aware, I retired from my post of reigning snoutman of 04,05,06,07,08,09 and 10 also giving up my duty as a professional athlete and taking on a role as young Snoutman’s guidance counsellor, cross series trainer and staying at my post as chairman of the Snoutmans League due to a repetitively strained sanity gland.
Unfortunately this lost buiseness, shares, and basic value of the designer brand Slazangé, Slazonjay, and Slazangette (ladies up market dinnerwear) as I gave up my sponsorship, cutting all deals with them, and taking up the post of head spokesman for Nikay, a new and prosperous Snoutmanery sponser and fine glove wholeseller.
I suggested Dr. C to SSSlahzinjot, as I had worked closely with him as he rose to fame in the snoutmans game, from the not quite so mainstream “Ell.Ess.Dee!” ultra super narcz league.
Unfortunately it seems that while Dr Tim was an aspirring, inspiring, persperating, perspective, prevelant athlete, his involvement in similar games with less rules, and Slim-shanze (formerly Eminems) lack of confidence and desparation to fix a troubled brand resulted in a “fixing” of the event spoken of.
You are aware of the relay rules. Snoutmen must drink one pint of 5.0% a.b.v bozzer in the first boozer (Green Man), then proceed to the second grogg hole (The Rupert Brooke) and repeat, each journey to and from having to be as close to the original first time travelling between liquid courage holes as possible.
With acceptance, and a rather large back hander from SLAY!zonjjjjay?, The Rupert Brooke fitted a concealed Schweppes nozzle inside the booze pipe that Dr. C was partaking in the act of snouting fromest, callibrating it so as to pour the exact same amount of delicious lemonade, as lovely lovely wobble water, therefore creating a “secret shandy”.
This as you know is both morrally disgusting and highly illegal, and whilst I am pitifully upset with a brand I worked so hard with to create decent profit and an international market, I am also sadenned to realise things had become so terrible for a once honest, idealised company and brand.
Dr. C has been struck from all Snoutmans leagues, (including the less-professional Guild), and we have also advised any narcotics or bath salts leagues, and sponsors of, not to deal with him for the next 2-4 hours, such as we are doing. Although veiwed as a tough sentence, it has been viewed as “tough love” in support of a decent athlete, who made a mistake, although, any partnership he has had/will ever have with Slazangé, shall be null and void.
He has also been stripped.
Of his title.
I’ve written this to you sir, as the Snoutmans League appreciates your heavy involvement and publicity towards this once noble and honest sport, and we hope you can trust it will be again, as we trust you shall print a truthful article in your fine tabloid/broadsheet/website/phoneline/text service/email account/sick on you mums shoe, before you leak, or anyone leaks this information to another paper.
Marcus Alexanders (bad heart).
(We have the cure)