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Wednesday July 17th 2019

Snow Is Conversation Topper

marin_34870358-3049Figures released today show that snow, ice, and existing in aforementioned conditions accounted for 82% of all conversational content in the last seven days.

As Cambridgeshire shivered its way back to work yesterday, following Monday’s mass skive during which 75% of workers stayed at home, with excuses ranging from ice to snow and back again, researchers at Anglia Neskin University told the Citizen that the seasonal weather had limited the county’s discourse. “There were two brief breaks in the chat about the chilliness,” said Herman Von Munchenkoln, of the University’s social sciences department. “These were afforded by the horseburger scandal, which accounted for 10% of conversations, and the remaining 8% was down to Tuesday’s heavy early-morning fog.”

Much of the snow discussion was made up of people talking themselves and their colleagues into not going to work, or reviewing how bad the journey had been due to the slippery surfaces. Arec Lichardson, of St. Neots-a-like town Wantage, Oxon., said “On Tuesday, it took me until Wednesday to get home. I had to turn around and go back to my desk, carrying with me the odour of unwashed socks. All because of the weather!”

Indeed, your editor himself had a tough time walking from Citizen Towers to the local One Stop to buy delicious foodstuffs. “The 200 yard walk took me about five minutes,” said Tim C., “but I only slipped over fourteen times, so nothing too serious.”

It is thought that once discussion of what happened in the snow dies down, musings of whether or not it will snow again will cover around 76% of all speakings, dropping to 13% after nine days. “However, should it actually precipitate anew, we’re not going to be hearing anything else until at least Valentine’s Day,” said Von Munchenkoln, “at which point you’ll have to put up with either what your colleagues’ significant others did for them last night, or how very lonely the single ones definitely are not. The lying shits.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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