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Thursday July 18th 2019

St Neots Plans Own Bank Holiday

Following the Government’s announcement last week of plans to scrap Mayday Bank Holiday in favour of an October “UK Day”, St Neots Town Council has revealed a scheme to replace the day off with a more locally-inspired break.

Speaking last night, councillor King Cooper said that the town would scrap the traditional holiday on the first of May in favour of Bellingham Day.

“John Bellingham is perhaps St Neots’ most famous son,” said cllr Cooper, “and I don’t see why we shouldn’t celebrate that.”

Bellingham, born in St Neots, became the only man ever to assassinate a British Prime Minister, when on 11th May 1812 he shot PM Spencer Perceval through the heart. He was hanged seven days later.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea to honour Bellingham,” commented John Pullscott, 43, of Tenby Court. “St Neots has a long tradition of violence and that sort of thing, and no-one wants to lose the May bank holiday – it’s a good coincidence that the new day off would fall just a week or so later.”

Eaton Socon councillor and former mayor Derek Miles got behind the plans. “I envisage a rather exciting Market Square event on Bellingham Day,” he said. “There’ll be stalls and fairground rides, and the highlight of the afternoon will be a massive traditional St Neots scrap.”

Miles described his scheme to round up angry Friday night chavs, put them in cages and poke them with sticks all weekend, whilst feeding them Stella and telling them that the bloke in the next cage did it. “We’ll pass on insults about eachother’s mums, and then let them out for a bare-knuckle tussle,” he explained. “Everyone in St Neots loves watching a silly drunken fight.”

It is thought that the town would still celebrate the new planned UK Day, which would fall sometime in October. “The reason it’s being put in October is to split up the massive run between August bank holiday and Christmas,” said cllr Cooper, “and I don’t want Neotians to feel they are being made to work any more than the rest of the country.

“Let’s face it, by the time October comes around, May is completely forgotten.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

Citizenship

    One Comment for “St Neots Plans Own Bank Holiday”

    • Huw Fearnley-Witless says:

      The Sealed Gnot did a fantastic job re-enacting the Battle of St Neots a while back.
      Let’s get them back to re-enact the assassination to celebrate Bellingham Day with a guest appearance by the present PM Davina Cameroon, or for a local connection, former PM John Labia Majora.
      I’d gladly take the role of John Bellingham, though I must point out that due to a prior engagement I wouldn’t be available for the hanging re-enactment.

      I must also point out that I have some trouble in distinguishing between blanks and live rounds.


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