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Thursday November 23rd 2017

St Neots Squares Up To Newmarket

Neotians were today preparing for a scrap as it was announced that Newmarket, mostly over the border in Suffolk, was considering changing to a much more prosperous county – potentially robbing St Neots of it’s “largest town” status.

“This isn’t on,” said councillor Harry “R” Rogerson. “They can take their horses and fuck off!”

Newmarket is part of Suffolk, although around 20% of it’s area is in Glorious Cambridgeshire. The town is the world centre for horseracing, and councillors wishing to push the border east say the extortionate rates of council tax they are planning to charge equines could shore up services and slush funds in the rest of the county.

However, even if Newmarket does join the UK’s most wonderful shire, there is confusion over which district it would belong to. “Geographically,” explained local town-moving expert John Hall of Anglia Ruskin University, “Newmarket should come into South Cambs. However, this district was recently voted one of the top-ten places to live in the UK, and has no towns. Newmarket’s a town so SCDC isn’t interested.”

St Neots residents refused to allow the town to become an outpost of Huntingdonshire, and it is thought that Newmarketeers would be less than pleased to be associated with people-eating Fenland.

“Ultimately, it doesn’t matter anyway,” said Hall. “Firstly, it probably won’t happen. And secondly, Neotians need to do their research – Newmarket is half the size of St Neots, as horses don’t, despite rumours, each count as 300 people.”

Don Draper

Citizenship

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