Your Premier Local News Resource
Monday August 21st 2017

St Neots Wakes To Lack Of Winter Wonderland

article_98a03ca9c48c172f_1358156072_9j-4aaqskSt Neots woke up to a complete lack of wintry weather this morning, after the rest of the country announced via Facebook that it was indeed a “snow day”.

Despite feeling a bit sick as we typed snow day, the Citizen ventured out into the world to investigate.

“I’m so disappointed,” said Leha Corstorphine, 15, as she trudged her way to Longsands. “I was sure that when I opened the curtains this morning I would see snow. I even had my really funny cold feet status ready to post to Facebook, and had loaded up Instagram ready for a photo – as I am sure you are required to do in this situation.”

Sadly for Corstorphine and her year ten associates, schools were still open across the region, as were most offices. “I woke up late today as the Met Office had guaranteed snow,” complained local admin assistant Dean Dexter, 32, “and then I saw on Twitter that it had not snowed yet. Bastard! If I get to work after ten, I’ll have to stay late, and you’re holding me up. I think I should ask Michael Shark for compensation!”

Expert Scientists promised St Neots that there would probably be snow later. “Then,” said Dr. Steve Kandaharas, “you’ll be able to complain about the snow, instead of the lack thereof. You’re never satisfied if you’ve got nothing to whinge about – which I suppose means you are always happy. How fortuitous!”

Ken Faulstitch

Ken Faulstitch was born in New Jersey in 1921 and is still not dead. He remains a 31-year-old local news hack, is only available in black and white, and it still not sure whether this new-fangled internet thing will take off.

Citizenship
    Related Tags: , , , ,

    Leave a Comment

    More like this

    Town Gears Up For New Complaint
    Town Gears Up For New Complaint

    Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

    Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi
    Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

    District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

    Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed
    Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

    Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

    Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup
    Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

    Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

    New School Thief-Proof
    New School Thief-Proof

    South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

    Microfiche

    Subscribe