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Saturday November 17th 2018

St Neots “Will Never Join Sexual Revolution” Says Town Elder

The national furore over the lyrics to American hot babe and vocaliser and songstress Katy Perry’s tune, “I Kissed A Girl” has finally hit St Neots.

Local defender of standards and former town councillor Bob Topshelf, 91, said, “They tried it in the Sixties and we fought them on the banks of the Ouse. It’s an absolute disgrace, it’s bad enough having girls wandering round town with skirts barely big enough to cover their front bottoms, we now have to suffer the indignity of listening and watching such filth on our own tellys. I’ve made sure I’m right by watching the video at least 4 dozen times! We must keep St Neots free from this muck!”

St Neots High Street health shop proprietor and 4ft tall former Hollywood hard man, Vinnie Garstrokes, 47, disagreed. “Kissing a girl? What’s wrong with that? I’ve kissed loads!” Mr Garstrokes did however admit on reflection that this may have not happened for some time. When it was pointed out that the song lyrics were about girls kissing girls, Mr Garstrokes was even more fervent. “Even better!” he said, “there’s nothing worse than seeing blokes kiss anyone, eeeuuuyyuk! St Neots needs more of this!”.

In a shock statement, Ms Perry’s tour manager told the Citizen that she would be cancelling her forthcoming date at the Priory Centre for fear of upsetting the moral minority (2 old women and Mr Topshelf) and that “She doesn’t have a fucking clue where St Neots is.”

Mr Garstrokes denied rumours of supplying sex wonder drug “Niagra” through his “health” outlet. Our reporter also decided it wise not to mention that St Neots’ idea of a sexual revolution was two sixteen year olds drinking a bottle of Lambrini and then shagging on a childrens play area roundabout.

Thunder

Citizenship

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