Led by Paul “Mystic” Marcel the Committee has shown unequivocally that a fully functioning international air hub complete with ground support can survive in St Neots. Marcel, well known for reading stuff into the future that can’t possibly add up, said “St Neots sits centrally between everything and we can capitalise on that. A bit like Bedford who claim they are ‘central to the Oxford-Cambridge Arc’ when in fact it’s just a chav shit hole that no one travelling on the X5 is going to get off for.”

“We can write it on signs and everything,” he added.

“Anyway the long stay car park at the back of the Co-op has never been fully utilised, no one wants to stay here too long, and our preliminary feasibility studies have shown that the available length will more than able to cope with the Airbus A380 or a microlight. Just think what this will mean to local business, except the ones we knock down.”

Locals were quick to complain although we only heard from 20,000 or so residents within the first 10 minutes of publishing the news.

Local man Jack Sheet said ” International? Inter-fucking-national? We only need to get to Ibifa and that’s near the Isle of Sheppy which I fink you’ll agree is well inside England.”

The machines, which measure 5′ square, will only accommodate approximately 5% of the town’s population, so large are their backsides.

“This is an outrage!” said local fence expert and councillor, Steve van de Whitevanman. “If I’d been planning such an enclosure it would be painted yearly and be at least twice as large.” He added, “As it is most of our residents have trouble fitting in the seats on planes. Now they won’t even be able to get past security.”

Security expert Lee Abbots said “I can understand the concern but look at it from our point of view. Would you want to see what’s underneath those black leggings and JB Sports trackie bottoms? No, I thought not. Best they stay at home or holiday at Butlins.”

Judith Chalmers was unavailable for comment.