The posturing began as Barclays texted Lloyds TSB saying, “Our blue debit cards are much nicer than your green ones.” The Black Horse responded by posting a message on Facebook saying that Barclays’ mum was an “Eagle slag”. Santander commented that both banks were cabrons of the highest order, and Halifax clicked “Like”.

“Those fuckers better watch out,” said NatWest. “My logo is easily fashionable into a ninja throwing star. I’ll cause havoc.”

It’s thought that seeing as banks aren’t actual entities which can say such things, it is infact managers and personal bankers making threats. “Personal wankers more like!” tweeted Nationwide in response.

Staff from the financial institutions, which have undergone a number of mergers and acquisitions in recent years, will face off on the Market Square this Saturday night. “It’ll be a traditional St Neots chavscrap,” said Dave Cork of the Financial Services Authority, “where pretty much anything goes and they all get to call eachother’s sister a tart.”

The winner will be renamed simply “The Bank”, and it is thought that Lloyds’ prime Market Square location will play host to the new institution. The other branches will become new Empty Shops, a vital part of St Neots’ economy.

Offered an extra bank holiday this year due to the wedding of some posh bloke and his chav bird, St Neots residents have collectively told the bankers to stick it up their greedy arses.

“There’s no fucking way these evil money-grabbing, recession-starting bankers are going to con me with another day off,” said “piccky” off a local forum.

“Who knows what’ll happen while we’re not at work? They’ll probably repossess my workplace and my boss’ll go all bust and all that and I won’t be able to do my 72 hour week any more. No, I want to go to work, that’ll show the bloody bankers” he added.

We asked a local investment banker what she thought.

“I’m only local because I’m passing on the A1,” said Regina Diamond-Soul.

“I didn’t even realise those signs went anywhere. All I can see is my great big fucking warehouse that I’ve recently rented out for a huge profit. I couldn’t give a toss if they get another holiday or not, I’ll still be gambling their pensions and savings on shady global derivatives. “

Self-thinking councillor Dougall, 62, got involved after a post on st-neots.co.uk which whinged about the difficulty climbing three steps to get into the bank, both for parents with buggies and wheelchair users.

One mother, who very much enjoys the word ‘steps’, said “To get into the building you need to go up the steps. Should you need any assistance, there is a doorbell to ring at the top of the steps and they’ll assist you in getting up the steps. The doorbell is up high once you get up those steps. So you have to get up the steps to ring the bell to help you get up the steps. I’m lucky enough to be able to walk up those steps, but what about those that can’t get up the steps?”

Councillor Dougall, completely ignoring the fact that the building is listed, has had steps for hundreds of years and cannot be adjusted, said “What a bloody disgrace. Abbey need to sort this out. They need to put in a ramp or something so people can get into the bank. Why should people change banks just because Abbey has suddenly got steps?”

When the Citizen pointed out to the councillor that there is not room for any sort of ramp outside the building, even if it would be allowed, he suggested “that the level of the High Street be increased five foot so people can get in the bank.”

The fact that almost all other premises in town would then have steps down to enter them is, says Dougall, “neither here nor there. I don’t see your picture in the Hunts Poster!”