Bob Gaily from production company Going to the Flicks plc said today, “St Neots is a prime location for a new studio with centres of excellence for the performing arts being located in the town, and nearby Huntingdon and Cambridge.” Why St Neots though? “We wanted to be located in Cambridge,” Gaily said, “but they wouldn’t let us build on the green belt.”

Top Hollywood studios are already queueing up to film in the studios and surrounding area. The Citizen has learnt that planning is already underway for the sequel to James Bond movie Quantum of Solace. The new film, which currently has the working title of The Golden Gravel, will be filmed around Little Paxton Nature Reserve, with a scene involving Daniel Craig being strapped to a gravel conveyor which is heading for a crushing machine.

Insiders also told the Citizen about other rumoured projects including 9 Months Later, a film about pregnant female zombies stalking an abandoned town centre, featuring real-life schoolgirl extras from St Neots; Titanic 2: The Sinking of the Narrowboat; and Old School 2 – a factual documentary about the state of Longsands College.

Auditions have been taking place in St Neots this week for the dequel to The Full Monty, which excited local residents who were queueing round the block to get a glimpse of the male wannabes in action. However, it proved to be a bit of a damp squib with many spectators leaving disappointed. Casting director Jacky Lamb admitted that it had been “a chilly day.”

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Dean Dexter, a spokesperson from the Town Council, said “we are absolutely delighted to be switching the lights on next week as it will really help boost trade in the town centre in the run up to Christmas”. He went on to say that they have chosen to switch the lights on early to raise people’s spirits in the town as the economy borders on a recession.

Child’s Pond Road resident Helen Bosworth said, “The festivities seem to be starting earlier and earlier so I am not surprised that they are being switched on in July”. Following the Christmas lights fiasco last year, it remains to be seen what decorations will festoon the town.

Dexter said “the lights will be even more impressive than those on display last year, and I think Huntingdon will be quaking in their boots when the lights are switched on in St Neots”.

Due to fears over health and safety, the big switch on will be taking place on Friday at 7pm before it gets too dark when it is deemed unsafe for young people to be hanging around in the Market Square. The lights are being switched on by a secret local celebrity. However, it is believed that the celebrity was chosen because they are currently filming Christmas scenes for a popular TV soap.

As for fears over pieces of buildings falling off under the strain of the lights, Expert Scientists were keen to assuage fears of residents. “Skyhooks. We’ll use skyhooks,” claimed an unnamed expert.

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Dean Dexter, of St Neots Town Council, said “we are currently working with the local government on a solution as St Neots Market Square has been one of the first to be identified as an unequal quadrilateral. From now on we will be referring to it as the Market Rectangle”.

Under the law, St Neots could reclaim its Market Square status if a 6m high retaining wall is built which runs north out of “the shop that was formerly Barneys” to the other side of the market rectangle. This would not only create a square, but an East side and a more desirable West side to the town. An insider from the Town Council, commenting on the wall which would divide Eynesbury and Eaton Socon, said it sounded “desirable”. However one person the St Neots Citizen stopped on the street said “I live in Eaton Ford and work in the Corner House so commuting would be hell”.

It is believed that roads named Square outside of the town centre would be exempt from the ruling, but may have to put quote marks around the road sign to show that it is merely a name, and not an actual square. A ruling on roads named the Crescent which are not crescent-shaped is expected next week.

Story by Bebamag reporter