Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007′s decorations as a failure, they would run twelve months late every year.

Re-employed at the council following a leave of absence, Dean Dexter said, “This is a brilliant plan on our part. By staging the 2007 Big Switch-On next Friday (28th), we can go back twelve months and use the lessons we have learned to make some serious money. I mean, improvements.”

The council is hoping that by altering time in this way, St Neots may be able to buck the economic trends of 2008 and become the most affluent area in the UK. “Obviously we’ll have to do away with a few of the more chavvy elements of the town, but we hope that the new KFC will soon be keeping them all occupied at the bottom of Eaton Socon, and if we’re lucky giving them food poisoning too.”

The lights are being turned on by swimmer Mark Foster, who says that if this radical plan to alter reality does indeed work, he’ll be able to win a few more Olympic medals in the 2008 Olympics. “You never know,” he said, “a few golds might persuade the council to bring back the outdoor pool.”

Councillor Bob Farms, who six years ago refused to spend any of an £80million surplus on fixing the ailing outdoor pool, commented that, “You’ve got as much chance of that happening as you have of getting a cinema. Haha!”

As the scheme, which the council are referring to by the snappy title of “Project Turn Back Time”, seems a bit far-fetched, the Citizen went to the town’s basement levels to speak to Guillaume la Trec, spokesman for CERN, whose Big Bang Machine the LHC is located somewhere under the town. “Ze most likely outcome,” said la Trec, “is zat a few people will be confused about the date. Saying zat it is 2007 is probably not going to cause time to actually change.” He went on to comment that at least if CERN inadvertently causes the end of the known universe, St Neots will be able to enjoy one more illuminated Christmas, as all festive seasons will now run fifty-two weeks behind schedule.

The town had been stuck in the past for over a week following a small power cut. Local man Danny Saunders, 22, said he did not enjoy his Wednesday evening after both Virgin and Sky services failed, leaving him stuck with four channels. “I couldn’t even get Channel Five for some softcore,” moaned Saunders. “I couldn’t believe how shit only having four channels was. There as news on three of them at the same time! I’m used to being able to watch Scrubs or Friends on three channels at the same time!”

The power cut also affected Citizen Towers. “I was elsewhere at the time and didn’t know there had even been a power cut,” said editor Tim C. “But it screwed our router and I had to get BT to send us another awful homehub.”

The power cut was, of course, attributed to CERN and their “Big Bang Machine”, the Large Hadron Collider, which is rumoured to be under St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said, “Although I am pleased zat we are back in ze news after disappearing off ze radar, I am really getting fucking fed up of you dickheads sinking everything is our fault. A small power cut is hardly ze end of ze known universe. Bollocks to the lot of you.”

During an incident last week, when part of the Large Hadron Collider overheated by almost 100°c, a copy of the 1997 Intergalactic Drivers Atlas was found whilst digging in the machine’s glove box for a fire extinguisher.

“It certainly was a surprising discovery,” said CERN spokesman Guillaume la Trec, 42. “Apparently zer as been zis atlas around for years, created by some sort of extra-terrestrial race. From what we can gather, ze centre of ze universe is in fact in a field near Swindon, on page 42.”

The news has surprised and angered many residents. Sean Forman, 42, a local pub landlord, said, “How dare these Swiss fuckers try to tell us St Neots ain’t the be all and end all of everything. If it ain’t so fantastic then why do so many people wanna live here? They ain’t building another five thousand ‘ouses for nuffink!”

St Neots residents pride themselves on the fact that they “never meant to stay for more than two years.” Apathy and inertia are well-documented phenomena in the town, and after a decade locals can expect to begin vigourously defending St Neots as the best place on Earth if any outsiders question them.

Eaton Ford man Adam Douglas, 42, agreed. “I moved here for ‘a few months’ back in 1987, and although I have moved away a couple of times, I always felt compelled to return within six months of leaving. St Neots is lovely really – we’ve got these fantastic parks, and the river…”

CERN refused to comment on the possible publishers of the atlas, but promised to look into the inertia of St Neots, if and when it solved the 42 questions currently on its list, such as the one of life, the universe and everything. “After all,” said la Trec, “some do say zat zis is ze ultimate question.”

Since like week bad jokes about the LHC, previously rumoured to be underneath St Neots, have proliferated in both internet and graffiti form.

Spokesman Guillaume le Trec, for CERN, said, “We are very tired of this. Truly, we do not want to collide into your large hard-on.”

What had actually been spotted was a Small Colander Divider (SCD) in the latest Bettaware catalogue. Used to separate peas and sweet corn when being heated, this revolutionary product allows Particle Physicists the luxury of cooking both at the same time without risking the potentially devastating collision of these two highly volatile legumes.

Some experts believe that even the action of stirring these two tea-favourites in a saucepan could result in 5mph accelerated collision and the instant formation of a “yellowy-green hole”. This spectacular natural phenomenon could mean the destruction of literally 2 or 3 pinnys or at least an extra hot wash with Cillit Bang.

Local inventor Bark Maddingly who came up with the idea of the SCD suggested that his machine would either confirm or deny the existence of the “Chips Frozen” or “Cod particle”. This hypothesised particle appears for only an instant after the collision and could well throw the whole theory of whether fish, chips and peas should have sweetcorn on the plate.

Former Den Dragon Titus A. Duxarrs commented “What a load of crap; these two veggies should always be mixed so I won’t be investing, I’m out”

He was backed up by local celebrity chef Oliver Jammy who said, “You jus can’t rule out mixing fings together, iss da futchar; I’ve been puttin all manner of stuff in them Wybo Big Max for years and no one’s moaned.”

Professor Steven Hawkings was unavailable for any understandable comment.

Fortunately, life does not immitate cartography and the town survived. However, now a new and much more real threat presents itself in the form of the Large Hadron Collider, or LHC.

A group of Expert Scientists at CERN, the European Organisation for Nuclear Research, are this evening preparing to fire up the LHC in order to recreate the Big Bang, and hopefully learn about the origins of the universe.

However, a breakaway group from the 8000-odd scientists at CERN, who are made up of over 500 nationalities from the worlds leading scientific institutes, has claimed that the experiment “will cause loads of tiny black holes. These will grow exponentially and eventually may turn the planet inside-out.”

More worryingly, the LHC is reported to be located 100 metres underground somewhere between Geneva airport and the Jura Mountains, in Switzerland, but this new group have hinted that the machine is in fact twelve feet under St Neots.

Longsands College science teacher Winter Daw said, “If the LHC is indeed located underneath St Neots, we will probably find ourselves disappearing into a black hole very soon. These so-called Expert Scientists seem to think that if a black hole does occur, the town will turn upside down and block it up, and no-one will really miss it very much.

“Worse still, the LHC runs on fuel made of ducklings, bunnies, toddlers, the pig from the movie ‘Babe’, and kittens’ tears – it really is quite attrocious.”

Guillaume le Trec, a spokesman for CERN, said, “Clearly this is all, ow you say it, utter bollocks. First thing, we would never put kittens tears in our fuel. Second, the LHC really is underneath Switzerland. And thirdly, if you do fall into a black ‘ole, it’s really nice in there – all sorts of rainbows and cinemas and things.”

The Citizen plans to report on the outcome of the recreation of the Big Bang at CERN, but if it goes badly we won’t be able to. As one local resident and Daily Mail reader put it: “Nothing must ever change or we’ll all die.”