Bus company Ragecoach adjusted their legendary Mighty X5 service a fortnight ago after users complained that it stopped too often, especially on the Bedford-bound portion of the route. “It’s a joke really,” commented bus pass holder Lily Van Smith, 64, a couple of months ago. “The bus stops at the Spar shop, a few people get off, then it stops again at the corner of Manor Farm Road, and then a few yards later opposite the garage. These lazy fat bastards really could get off at the first stop and spend two minutes walking down,” she ranted, before alighting at Sandfields Road, a good hundred metres further down the road.

Indeed, the excessive number of bus stops is a legacy of times past. “In the eighties,” explains local historian John Black, “there was only the Oxford to Cambridge or Northampton to Cambridge via Bedford bus, and they had alternate stops. If you wanted to go from Eaton Socon to the train station you had to get one of these long-distance coaches. Back then you could still smoke at the back of the bus and a return to Bedford was only three shillings, AND we used to leave the back door at home unlocked…”

Abandoning that loose end, the Citizen visited the Market Square early this morning to talk to some real-life bus users. Sainsburys employee Sarah Red-Bull, 18, catches the X5 into Cambridge every day for her eleven-hour till tart shift at the city’s St Andrew’s Street branch. “Up until last month,” Red-Bull explains, “I used to catch the bus from outside the George and Dragon. Now I have to walk into town, it’s bloody hell.”

Olly Sandford, who works at nearby Cambridge Arsessment, agreed. “I used to alight on the way back at the Ford garage, which I live opposite. Now I have to get off in the Market Square and walk back. This adds a good five minutes of fresh air to my day which I’m not entirely pleased about.”

Ragecoach customer service director Zoe Page made a statement to the Citizen. “You lot are never fucking happy are you? First you said you needed town buses, so we got you all these incomprehensible sixty-something buses which no bastard ever uses. Then along cam bus passes and the X5 took an hour to get through town and was full of pensioners riding for free, and you said it stopped too often. So we took away some stops. And now you don’t like walking.

“It’s like when you said the buses were old and crap, so we got all these new ones with leather seats and toilets and that, and all you ever do is bitch about the WiFi not working.

“Frankly, if you don’t like it, stop being cheap and get a car, and we’ll take £2.60 off you at the Park & Ride. Can’t escape Ragecoach in Cambridgeshire can you!”

Whatever happens, it’s likely that passenger numbers on the X5 will remain exactly the same. A few really lazy people – or those who genuinely can’t walk that far – will probably start getting the bus into town. If they choose to do so, they’ve got about a million different buses that all follow roughly the same route to choose from; but you can rest assured that commuters won’t be happy either way. “The only way to please some people would be to have the bus stopping every three bus-lengths,” commented Page, “but then they’ll all just whinge about all the riff-raff hanging around in front of their houses waiting for the bus. Which, let’s face it, is always fucking late.”

Since 2009, the new village has been served by the Citi 4 bus and paid the same fares as Cambridge city residents.

But all this is to change, say bus company Stagecoach. From 17th April, Cambourners will have to pay the full £5.40 a day Dayrider Plus fare – the same price paid by those in St Neots.

“It’s a fucking outrage!” ranted local mum-of-six, Hayley Hanson, 29. “I go into Cambridge to shoplift from Mothercare every now and then, and I can’t afford to pay these extortionate rates.”

Neighbour Jim Costas, 40, added that he was disappointed with the news that Cambourne was not part of the city. “We’ve always maintained that we’re just on the outskirts,” he said, “but this move by Stagecoach really confirms that we’re out in the sticks.

“Really,” he continued, “we should have just moved to a proper town – like St Neots.”

Stagecoach really are increasing prices for travel from Cambourne from 17th April, and Neotians should note that from this day a DayriderPlus will increase to £5.40, and a MegariderPlus to £21.50. Passengers using smartcards and paying by monthly direct debit will not be affected.

Cambridgeshire County Council have announced that all routes that receive a subsidy will lose cash, and local bus operators say this means many routes will be scaled back or cut, including all the local services within St Neots.

Grannies were quick to complain. “My Derek lives in Little Paxton,” said Jean Whitehouse, 70, of Nene Road, “and the only way I can hope to go and see the grandkids is by taking three buses, a total journey of two hours. Without this vital service what am I going to do, eh?”

However, Council transport chiefs hit back saying it was exactly these “vital customers” which had made the cuts necessary. “Oldies are quick to tell us that we don’t make use of public transport, and that they need this ‘lifeline’ to get to hospital and their selfish kids’ houses and the Co-Op, which they still insist on calling Gateway. But actually if we weren’t having to fund their free travel via those fucking bus passes, Stagecoach and Whippet would be making plenty of money and wouldn’t need to rely on council subsidy.”

It’s thought that by the end of the summer, the Mighty X5 will be the only route running through the town. “This’ll be a fucking nightmare,” said commuter Chasey Lane, 32, who works in Cambridge. “It’s bad enough that the bus is always full of fucking half-fare students without it being taken over by the elderly aswell. The toilets on board already make the bus stink of piss without adding the over-65 population as well. It’ll be like a day trip to the folk museum every morning. Urgh.”

Town council leader Julia Wayward suggested that the St Neots town routes, with their total customer base of around seventeen, could be saved by cutting services elsewhere in the county. “Why the fuck anyone would need a bus to Chatteris is anyone’s guess,” she said.

“Listing the stopping services only confuses the user,” said Rageoach spokesperson Elle Ington. “Our signs are specifically for the aid of the drivers who really haven’t got a clue. Bearing in mind that none of them generally last longer than 2 days in the job, we have to have contingencies to prevent them wasting time and fuel stopping anywhere useful.”

She continued “We’re sorry if our policies have caused any confusion but frankly all we care about is making shed-loads of money and actually letting people on and off can make a significant dent in our profits. The days when bus services were run for the customer are long gone. The only people on them now are the ‘chav’ and’ chav not’s’ who can’t afford cars. Most of them can’t write and if they can they can’t afford a stamp to send a complaint letter. No point wasting time and effort providing anything useful.”

The Citizen understand that the scheme to list all buses that do not stop will be rolled out across the town increasing the size of the average sign to approximately that of a small sail.

Local man Running Rob said, “At least it’ll be somewhere to shelter from the wind while waiting the odd 2 hours.”

Reg Varney was unavailable for comment.