Mr Junction has raised several concerns that crisp packets, loud noise from people enjoying themselves and poor parking could lead to a premature death for many of the town’s elderly residents.

“I fully defend the rights of the elderly not to have a good time, it’s no fun pissing yourself or farting every time you go upstairs, not everyone can afford a stair lift you know! This festival is just a carnal carnival allowing people under 70 to gloat and have a good time” commented Junction yesterday.

Blaming local councillors and volunteers he continued “St Neots should be proud of its misery and the right to be a miserable bastard should be upheld.”

Former Town Councillor and representative of mysterious Eynesbury Hardwick parish, Bob Farms, defended the carnival, but commented “I piss myself and fart when I go up the stairs, it should be celebrated with an ovaltine and a new pair of comfy feet shoes for any age. Why should incontinence and misery be the preserve of the elderly?”

Other councillors rallied to the cause stating that the event was for everyone and extra toilets would be provided if Boots run low on Tena pads, and there would be no stairs.

Local pensioner and chairman of St Neots SAGA louts Mrs Mills, 72, said, “I love the carnival, I only get to go out once a year and always make sure it’s on carnival weekend. I managed not to piss my self last year and hope to make it through this weekend dry.”

Still outraged at the the thought of anyone enjoying themselves Mr Junction was calmed when told that some of the money raised would be donated to a walk-in bath fund for retired councillors. Commenting he said “Yeah great, put ‘em all in , let ‘em piss themselves in it and we’ll put it on a float, then we ll see who has the last laugh!”

On both Saturday and Sunday, the town woke up to a windy yet sunny day, only for it to cloud over by lunchtime. Despite the fact that this is typical British summer weather – especially during a bank holiday weekend – it took everyone by surprise.

“I can’t understand it,” said Linclare Place resident Orson Hedge, 52. “It’s August, and it’s a bank holiday, and it’s the carnival and all sorts. I’d planned a barbeque and now it’ll probably rain.”

The Met Office were unsympathetic. “What exactly did you expect?” asked Michael Shark. “This is exactly like when it snowed in winter and everyone walked around going ‘wow look it’s snowing’ and the whole country ground to a halt. It’s pathetic.”

Expert Scientists could offer no solution to the schizonphrenic British weather, which attracts tourists hoping to experience all four seasons within a few hours. “The only thing I can suggest,” said spokesman Guillaume la Trec of CERN, “is that you move somewhere else. Alternatively you could stop fucking whinging.”

“We aren’t going to stop complaining, are we,” spat council leader Julia Wayward. “We’re English, I mean come on, our national passtimes are complaining, and talking about the weather. I actually think it’s rather efficient to complain about the weather, thereby combining both activities into one session.”

The traditional carnival, which in 2008 was replaced by the rather shit money-losing August Festival, is making a comeback this year with all the floats and amusements associated with the alledgedly unpopular event in previous years.

Local PR agency Beers And Spirits PR, who are behind the organisation of the carnival, said “It really has been very well publicised, and everyone should be aware that the carnival is probably on this weekend. We think.”

Local residents, however, were not sure. “Last year we didn’t know about that Riverside Festival malarkey,” said Honeydon Avenue resident Iannis Russian, 22, “until the fireworks at the end. Seems this year the carnival is in a similar predicament. Everyone reckons it’s been well promoted but I didn’t know about this until you asked me.”

Even when such occurrences are well publicised, St Neotites have a habit of forgetting about it and letting it sneak up on them. “Ooh, is it the end of August already?” whinged Orchard Close man Noel Barclay, 47. “Every year goes quicker and quicker doesn’t it, blimey, whatever next? It’ll be 2009 and I won’t even twig.”

St Neots’ usual apathy dictates that no-one will turn up even if the carnival is indeed going ahead, but when it is axed citing lack of support everyone will be up in arms. “It’s disgusting that they got rid of the carnival,” said lifelong Manor Gardens resident Jane Hammerstein, 62. “The whole town used to turn out, there was a real carnival atmosphere and far fewer stabbings than at Notting Hill.” Asked if she would be attending the event this weekend (if indeed it is this weekend), Hammerstein said “ooh I shouldn’t think so dear, it probably won’t be very good will it. Never was before.”

The August Festival, otherwise known as the Riverside Festival, Summer Festival and St Neots Festival, took place over the bank holiday weekend, much to the surprise of local residents, who were unaware anything was planned. “They advertised it in that Priorities,” said Ridegway resident Pete Ashcroft, “but who the fuck reads that?” Indeed, most residents knew nothing of the festival until the closing fireworks late on the final night.

Those that did know in advance were unimpressed. “Well it just looks like a pile of old shit really,” said Chelsea Farnsworth of Crosshall Road. “Essentially it’s just the carnival – which annoyed everyone – with the only interesting bit taken out.”

St Neots carnival ground to a halt after last years event, despite the fact that half the town still lined the High Street each year to watch the parade. When pressed, Council spokesman Dean Dexter admitted, “Yes, the Festival was just another name for the carnival but without the parade. Off the record, I’m not surprised no-one turned up. It was terrible.” The council’s official line is that the festival was well-supported by residents, but hapless Dexter admitted that “Basically the councillors all decided that this was what locals wanted, and when it turned out they were wrong, they decided to tell them that they’d all enjoyed it.”

The council has a long history of putting a hat on something and calling it another thing, such as the Jubilee Garden – which was originally to be the Millennium Garden but was not finished on time; and a grotty pedestrian wasteland known as “The Priory Quarter”.

Dean Dexter also told the Citizen that “about a Rowley Million” was spent on organising the festival. Mr Dexter is currently seeking alternative employment.