Those concerned about Swine Flu can send a flu buddy to collect the medication. It was also revealed that celebrities such as Chas and Dave and Pam Ayers would be helping if the need arose during their time in the town.

Town Council Terrence Dougall, thinking for himself, said “I am pleased we have found another use for the Priory and a celebrity hand out of pills will certainly bring the punters in.”

Another Town Councillor, Steve van de Steven commented that a celebrity hand out of pills was something to be viewed with caution, citing past Ibiza holidays.

Chas and Dave were contacted on their world tour in Slough and said they would be honoured to sign packets as they were handed out and thought how nice it was that people would appreciate it more than a tired collection of their shite cockney shanties.

Pam Ayres, famous poet and raconteur famous for winning “Opportunity Knocks” and fine works such as “Dolly on the Dustcart” and “I wish I’d looked after me Teeth” was unavailable for comment but was apparently excited.
Pam, who lives in her secluded pig farm near the Somerset Levels, was reputedly penning a poem about St Neots; however, this cannot be confirmed.

The poem was reportedly likely to be something along these lines:
“Them folks in St Neots are always a wheeze,
But I’m fuckin off if I hear a sneeze.”

Story by Adam Douglas

Leading UK architect Ben Shuttleworth said, “We’ve been very blinkered with the design of our commercial and residential property in Great Britain. It wasn’t until a resident of Eynesbury’s Humberley Close wrote to tell us about how their road was simply the best place to live for so many different reasons, that we had to visit.”

A delegation of top City experts was swiftly despatched northwards.

“The result was a no-brainer,” said Shuttleworth. “The stylish way that the properties of the Broadwalk back on to Hardwick Road, enhanced with cars on bricks, England flags, demolished caravans and disused car parks shouted Sixties chic. The low-rise tower blocks of Hall Road, with their simple straight-line design… such unique aesthetic aspirations are hard to find.”

He went on to say, “It’s thanks to such a talented team as the local authority designing such amazing residential properties, followed by world class deisigners such as Ivor Twigden, that this country has such architectural merits – and Eynesbury is honoured to be the hub of such greatness.”

With tourists starting to come thick and fast to see the latest amazing style, house prices have already rocketed, with the average property price in Ferrars Avenue being valued at nearly one Rowley Million, and the residences of Burnt Close receiving offers over £1.4m. It is also rumoured that many celebrities have already secured deposits and that Eynesbury could, as a reult, become the UK’s new footballer and trash-mag-royalty destination, usurping Primrose Hill as “the place to live”.

The announcement was not without it’s downside however. Eaton Socon’s Queens Gardens and Monarch Road areas were mostly developed around the same time as “New” Eynesbury, but have been largely overlooked by Shuttleworth and his associates. “I don’t see what the Eastside’s got that we haven’t,” said Daisy Fields of Crown Walk. “I’ve lived here since I moved up from Bethnal Green in ’72 and it’s clearly nicer than Eynesbury.”

The Citizen reserves judgement.

Story by Sarcamistic