“My house is cracking up,” said Burnt Close resident Sarah Camistic, “and if it goes on much longer I will be too.”

“It’s blatantly the fault of them scientists,” said Eaton Socon man Max Speed. “There’s probably a black hole underneath Eynesbury, which is ever so slowly, imperceptably shrinking all the houses.

“Of course, cement and bricks don’t like being shrunk, so they’re falling to pieces instead.”

Long-suffering CERN spokesman Guillaume la Trec said in an email to the Citizen that he refused to believe the LHC had anything to do with the houses in Eynesbury sinking, and maybe if we had got French builders to build them they would be better quality. “That’s as maybe,” retorted Camistic, “but we’d still be waiting for them to finish their thirtieth Gauloise of the day, and thirty years on we’d barely have foundations.”

Local geologist Garph Jonas, 27, offered another explanation for the phenomenon. “I reckon there’s some massive stone-age caves under Eynesbury, or possibly a mass grave for plague victims from Huntingdon. We should probably knock all the houses down on a whim to check.”

In other news, the Citizen reported this story without speaking to any councillors. Well done us.

The town’s location in a geographically distinct “bowl” or dip means that the temperature in St Neots is on average 1.5º higher than Huntingdon or Cambridge, but also means that locals are protected from the worst of the weather.

“You can really notice it if you visit one of the few streets which is up on the ‘rim’, so to speak,” said local Expert Scientist Jim James of CERN. “Have a wander through Bean Close next time it’s been icy, and the frost and snow stays on the ground that little bit longer because they’re not in the dip.”

However, St Neotians have refuted these claims, laying the blame squarely at the door of Pathfinder House. “It’s a disgrace,” said Eynesbury resident Peter Husbanick, 31. “Huntingdon always gets the better deal: more cinemas, more traffic lights, more chavs, and now more snow.”

Town councillor Terrence Dougall, 81, said “I’ll have to look into this. I’ll ask the District Council some questions without the use of any punctuation and see what they have to say about it.”

The Citizen contacted a local pensioner for a quote as well. Ethel Cotton, 79, ranted that “In my day we had ice on the inside of the windows, and the Thames used to freeze over, but we strapped wooden planks – with the nails still in them – to our feet and used them to ski the forty-two miles to school every day.”

“What is it with this place? All the buggy-pushers in here look like Vicky Pollard!”

Startlingly it soon became apparent that the observer of this phenomenon was none other than Mrs OC who had, for the umpteenth time, been barged out of the way by a trolley filled with pampers, Coke Zero, chicken nuggets, budget DVD’s and 3 kids under 5.

“Easy love,” I warned. “The last time the guv’nor published anything about this place he was almost strung up on the Gibbet!”

“Well, just look at ‘em. That one there, look, that’s got to be Matt Lucas from the telly, surely?” she said.

Indeed , pink leggings, white tee shirts-2 sizes too small and day-glo pink bras were pretty much everywhere. However the Citizen understands that this extraordinary cloning has nothing to do with the recent re-switching on of the Large Hadron Collider that purportedly runs under St Neots and its environs.

David Walliams was unavailable for comment.

While waiting times have fallen dramatically in the last few years, NHS chiefs are said to be concerned that patients – and more importantly, those hanging about in waiting rooms while their more inept friends and family members are treated – still think of a time quoted in hours and minutes as a long wait.

Former maternity spokesman Mike Primark, recently promoted to management and charged with improving patient perception of wait times, agreed to speak exclusively to the Citizen.

“Our waiting times have been steadily coming down for the last ten years, and we’ve also made the waiting rooms much prettier and out Lego in them and stuff to keep people amused,” said Primark, “but people still seem to measure whether the wait was acceptable or not by how many coffees they managed to drink, how many packets of crisps they got through, and how many copies of Chat they thumbed through whilst waiting for their friend or brother or cousin or whoever managed to drop a piano on their toes or whatever.”

The crisps and magazines were easy to remedy. “First, we threw out all those rubbish women’s weeklies you normally see littering the place, and replaced them with much thicker reading material. The Sunday Times is particularly good for sucking people into a coma without them noticing, and then even though they’ve been in A&E for three hours, they’ve only read two sections – about 4% of the paper – so it seems like they’ve been in for about fifteen minutes.”

Primark detailed how they replaced all the vending machine snacks with family-sized bags, so that you’d be full before purchasing that third bag of Starburst.

But the real challenge came from the hot beverages. “We’ve had the same old coffee machines for years,” said Primark, “which dispense a range of teas and coffees which all taste of cardboard, some liquid alleged to be soup, and a nasty sickly brown substance which we refer to as hot chocolate.

“The problem is, people soon notice if they are dispensed more than a 6oz cup, as they need the loo more. The only way to remedy this is to make each drink take longer to drink, by making it hotter, so people have to wait longer for it to cool.”

This is where CERN stepped in, said hapless spokesman Guillaume la Trec, 51. “We used our useless Large Hadron Collider to develop a process for heating water above 100º,” said la Trec, “without it turning into a gas. Basically, there are some very complicated formulas and equations and stuff which I won’t bore you with, but when you mix the water with the ground cardboard used to make all the drinks in these Klix machines, it can hold a temperature of 132.2ºc. This takes about half an hour to cool down to drinking temperature, meaning most ‘service users’ only ave time for one or two coffees, rather than the usual ten.”

“Fucking brilliant,” commented Addenbrookes A&E receptionist, Lottie Marlborough-Light, 22. “Now I won’t have chavvy fourteen-year-old mummies complaining that they’ve been waiting nine cups and three Snickers for their Darren to get his face stitched up. Marvellous.”

The scheme will be trialled at the two hospitals before being rolled out nationwide, if people don’t notice.

On both Saturday and Sunday, the town woke up to a windy yet sunny day, only for it to cloud over by lunchtime. Despite the fact that this is typical British summer weather – especially during a bank holiday weekend – it took everyone by surprise.

“I can’t understand it,” said Linclare Place resident Orson Hedge, 52. “It’s August, and it’s a bank holiday, and it’s the carnival and all sorts. I’d planned a barbeque and now it’ll probably rain.”

The Met Office were unsympathetic. “What exactly did you expect?” asked Michael Shark. “This is exactly like when it snowed in winter and everyone walked around going ‘wow look it’s snowing’ and the whole country ground to a halt. It’s pathetic.”

Expert Scientists could offer no solution to the schizonphrenic British weather, which attracts tourists hoping to experience all four seasons within a few hours. “The only thing I can suggest,” said spokesman Guillaume la Trec of CERN, “is that you move somewhere else. Alternatively you could stop fucking whinging.”

“We aren’t going to stop complaining, are we,” spat council leader Julia Wayward. “We’re English, I mean come on, our national passtimes are complaining, and talking about the weather. I actually think it’s rather efficient to complain about the weather, thereby combining both activities into one session.”

The hole materialised over night last week and there was initially some confusion amongst local councillors that it might be the same one that had been existing for some time, undetected in the Town Council’s budget.

Image ©Reuters

Cllr Julia Wayward commented, “There were several thousand in Blackburn, according to John Lennon, and it didn’t do them any harm. I really think this puts St Neots on the map.”

A team of professionals were dispatched to verify the existence of the hole, and after much deliberation for at least three minutes, it was decided that it had actually been there since 1980 and no one had noticed.

Local trader Barry Chuckle said, “I can’t believe it’s been there all this time. We’ve been losing trade for nearly 30 years and no one noticed.” Another town centre business owner, Niall Bittern, said “This hole is a menace to us all; it’s so big you could easily lose a three piece suite and an occasional table in it.”

Councillors in the town hope the hole will fill itself in at some point and normal trading will resume. Cllr Steven van der Van Driver commented that “until the hole has been properly identified and blame apportioned the Town Council would be looking into it. This will involve leaning over it; I hope nobody pushes me.”

The Citizen considered blaming CERN, and their machine of doom which last year was found to be located underneath the town, but decided that joke had most certainly been done to death.

Story by Adam Douglas

Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout.

The situation took a sinister turn in October when members began blaming the new Facebook, or TNFB, on all of life’s woes. Among the issues for which TNFB has been cited are the credit crunch; the technical error in the Large Hadron Collider which prevented us from knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything; annexing the Sudetendland; shooting Bambi’s mum and various rapes, murders and sex crimes.

Now, Westside residents have pointed the finger firmly at TNFB for the destruction of the historic Bell. Conveniently forgetting that the pub has been shut for some time, Great North Road resident Hayley Berry, 31, said “Where exactly am i supposed to drink now? i suppose it will have to be Brewsters with all them snot-nosed brats running around.”

Berry went on, “Clearly the new Facebook is to blame for the vanishing into a black hole of this once great watering hole.”

At the mention of black holes, the Citizen of course contacted CERN, whose Big Bang machine is reputed to be in a cave underneath St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that the Expert Scientists had looked into the problem and the LHC was certainly not to blame. “It is true a black ‘ole appeared and swallowed up zis public ‘ouse,” said la Trec, “but it was in fact just a large puddle of Guinness which ‘ad been disposed of over ze years in ze Bell.”

One internet commenter said, “First!”. Another said, “I don’t think TNFB knocked the pub down, but it is definitely planning to sell us greasy mechanically-recovered meat from the site, as well as providing a new destination for chavs and boy racers. I think it’s called Fried Chicken of kentucky or something.”

The New Facebook was unavailable for comment.

Partner Irma Konnman said that his firm had laid on extra staff in the High Street and Market Square last Friday in order to ambulance-chase any victims of falling rigs and masonry. But this was made unlikely by the lacklustre illuminations. “I’m not expecting Blackpool or anything,” said Konnman, “but this is just taking the piss for a town of this size.”

Up until 2006, the Christmas lighting in St Neots had become wonderfully tacky, with “snow-effect” light strips and massive lighting gantries across the road, complete with real miniature trees suspended above the junctions.

But following last year’s fiasco when a lighting rig fell on a pedestrian, the town and district councils have reduced the decorations to tinsel and fairy lights on a few lamp-posts. “We wouldn’t want to get sued,” said spokesman Dean Dexter, “although I suppose then we would have an excuse to increase council tax and therefore provide a better service in our planned non-specific-use centre.”

Undeterred, lawyers are turning their attentions to environmental activists and the weather, in light of the current cold snap. Spokesman for Bedford-based moneyhungrylitigation.com Steve Stevens said, “It’s ridiculous that we are allowing these tree-hugging hippies with dirty long hair to get everyone reducing their carbon bootprint and carbon dioxide emissions. If it stays this cold people will be slipping over on the ice left right and centre – that’s very painful if you slip all three ways at the same time.”

Stevens is hoping to file a class action against “all crusties” and fictional character Mother Nature, to win compensation for anyone slipping on the ice. He encouraged people to run along uneven surfaces in the dark whenever the temperature drops below zero, and of course to call his firm before dialling 999.

When asked how he intended to ensure Mother Nature turned up in court, Stevens replied “I expect we’ll just blame someone vaguely related to the weather, like Michael Fish, or of course CERN – everyone knows they’re bloody sinister.”

Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007′s decorations as a failure, they would run twelve months late every year.

Re-employed at the council following a leave of absence, Dean Dexter said, “This is a brilliant plan on our part. By staging the 2007 Big Switch-On next Friday (28th), we can go back twelve months and use the lessons we have learned to make some serious money. I mean, improvements.”

The council is hoping that by altering time in this way, St Neots may be able to buck the economic trends of 2008 and become the most affluent area in the UK. “Obviously we’ll have to do away with a few of the more chavvy elements of the town, but we hope that the new KFC will soon be keeping them all occupied at the bottom of Eaton Socon, and if we’re lucky giving them food poisoning too.”

The lights are being turned on by swimmer Mark Foster, who says that if this radical plan to alter reality does indeed work, he’ll be able to win a few more Olympic medals in the 2008 Olympics. “You never know,” he said, “a few golds might persuade the council to bring back the outdoor pool.”

Councillor Bob Farms, who six years ago refused to spend any of an £80million surplus on fixing the ailing outdoor pool, commented that, “You’ve got as much chance of that happening as you have of getting a cinema. Haha!”

As the scheme, which the council are referring to by the snappy title of “Project Turn Back Time”, seems a bit far-fetched, the Citizen went to the town’s basement levels to speak to Guillaume la Trec, spokesman for CERN, whose Big Bang Machine the LHC is located somewhere under the town. “Ze most likely outcome,” said la Trec, “is zat a few people will be confused about the date. Saying zat it is 2007 is probably not going to cause time to actually change.” He went on to comment that at least if CERN inadvertently causes the end of the known universe, St Neots will be able to enjoy one more illuminated Christmas, as all festive seasons will now run fifty-two weeks behind schedule.

The town had been stuck in the past for over a week following a small power cut. Local man Danny Saunders, 22, said he did not enjoy his Wednesday evening after both Virgin and Sky services failed, leaving him stuck with four channels. “I couldn’t even get Channel Five for some softcore,” moaned Saunders. “I couldn’t believe how shit only having four channels was. There as news on three of them at the same time! I’m used to being able to watch Scrubs or Friends on three channels at the same time!”

The power cut also affected Citizen Towers. “I was elsewhere at the time and didn’t know there had even been a power cut,” said editor Tim C. “But it screwed our router and I had to get BT to send us another awful homehub.”

The power cut was, of course, attributed to CERN and their “Big Bang Machine”, the Large Hadron Collider, which is rumoured to be under St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said, “Although I am pleased zat we are back in ze news after disappearing off ze radar, I am really getting fucking fed up of you dickheads sinking everything is our fault. A small power cut is hardly ze end of ze known universe. Bollocks to the lot of you.”