Editor Tim C said, “You couldn’t make it up really, so why even try?

“Over the past few years we have had increasingly awful Christmas lights displays, ever since that one gantry fell down on some pedestrian.”

The lights planned for 2007, including spectacular new pieces purchased at vast expense, were warehoused after a poorly-attached cross-street display fell down, landing on a passing mother. The Health & Safety Executive are still to conclude their report into the incident, even though the cause – a fucking great lump of metal poorly attached to a centuries-old building not designed for it – was blindingly obvious.

“These things have to be investigated properly,” said Julia Wayward, town council leader. “At least this year we don’t have to cancel Chas and Dave again.”

Chas and Dave both declined to comment.