Tag Archive
St Neots Residents Discriminated Against
The recent decision by UK security agencies to install full body scanners at airports could unfairly jeopardise the travelling plans of St Neots residents. The machines, which measure 5′ square, will only accommodate approximately 5% of the town’s population, so large are their backsides. “This is an outrage!” said local fence expert and councillor,... »
Councillor Breaches Restraining Order
Within just days anti-social self-thinking Councillor Dougall has breached the court order forbidding him to engage in any form of public thinking. Commenting on a sensitive and delicate case, the anonymous councillor effectively ignored any logic and ended further debate by declaring “Stop it now. I’m right because I’ve chosen to make up my... »
Mystery Chav Gets Restraining Order
A mysterious chav who no-one can name or identify has been handed a restraining order to ensure he stays the fuck out of Dodge. In fact, commenters on a local web forum were today at a loss to describe the person who has only been described in the news as “a man, or woman,... »
Two Year Restraining Order Placed On Eynesbury Councillor
A two year restraining order has been placed on an Eynesbury councillor convicted of thinking in a public place. The councillor, who cannot be named, pleaded guilty to one case of thinking for himself and another two counts of harassment by dangerous thinking. The charges were brought against him after a number of incidents... »
ADHD Girl Apologises To Hoodies – Puppy Still Dead
Disgraced former puppy owner May Marston was today facing calls to apologise to local hoodies after blaming them for the death of her dog – which in fact died of natural causes. Marston appeared in several national newspapers and was the subject of a widely-supported Facebook group after she alledged that local yobs kicked... »
Hoodies Help Town Live Up To Expectations
Unknown hoodies this week made sure St Neots lived up to it’s regional – and indeed now national – reputation as “a bit of a shithole” by stamping a small dog to death. Not content with rumours that the town is made up of inter-marrying cousins, and that the clap is airbourne in Eynesbury,... »
Footbridge Back – Loves Farm Saved from Chavs
Now known as the Footbridge Complete Cock-up (FCC) plan local councillor Julie Wayward has had confirmation from Second Town Disconnect (STD) that far from being shelved the plan to separate Loves Farm residents from the rest of St Neots is set to go ahead. STD have confirmed that a “senior manager” with little responsibility... »
Monday Opinions: What’s Pissing You Off This Week
In a new recurring series that will run as long as we can be bothered with it, the Citizen went out and about in St Neots over the weekend to find out what is getting your backs up this week. Number one on your hitlist is still the debacle over the St Neots cinema.... »
Illiterate Chavs Confuse "McDonalds" With "Decent Shops"
Stupid local chavs today proved themselves to be slightly thicker than previously thought, by confusing a fast-food outlet with high-quality retail emporia. St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt... »
Local Chavs "Confused, Lost and Lonely" says Social Worker
Dee Dington, a local nosey cow social worker has stepped into the row over the ever shrinking facilities for youth in the Town. "It really is horrific. First we refuse to provide multi-screen cinemas, health spas and sports facilities every 300 yards. Then we shut the only place where our deprived youngsters can binge... »
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