The machines, which measure 5′ square, will only accommodate approximately 5% of the town’s population, so large are their backsides.

“This is an outrage!” said local fence expert and councillor, Steve van de Whitevanman. “If I’d been planning such an enclosure it would be painted yearly and be at least twice as large.” He added, “As it is most of our residents have trouble fitting in the seats on planes. Now they won’t even be able to get past security.”

Security expert Lee Abbots said “I can understand the concern but look at it from our point of view. Would you want to see what’s underneath those black leggings and JB Sports trackie bottoms? No, I thought not. Best they stay at home or holiday at Butlins.”

Judith Chalmers was unavailable for comment.

Commenting on a sensitive and delicate case, the anonymous councillor effectively ignored any logic and ended further debate by declaring “Stop it now. I’m right because I’ve chosen to make up my own question and provide the answer. Which is correct. And not wrong. Or inaccurate. End of.”

Police were immediately dispatched and should arrive any time between June and August to arrest the Councillor for breach of the Court Order. In the meantime a brain tag similar to those worn by ASBO Chavs around the ankle has been suggested for the accused. Court attendant Gordon Manchester said “That’s all very well but we can’t be sure where the brain is in this case. Placing it around the head may miss the target site. There is evidence  that the grey matter may well be in the arse or feet.”

The results of an MRI scan are awaited.

In fact, commenters on a local web forum were today at a loss to describe the person who has only been described in the news as “a man, or woman, between the ages of 15 and 50.” The alledged Nova-driving dole queue chav has been banned from entering the Duck Lane estate for two years following complaints by residents.

Police have asked locals to keep their eyes peeled, and report any presence on the estate of the ethereal knock-off Fred Perry wearer immediately.

Since he, she or it cannot actually be identified, police have asked residents not to call in but to use Facebook instead, to accuse whoever walks onto the estate swigging a can of Stella of being the elusive “Eastside Stalker”.

A spokesman said if the person is correctly identified, police will “like” the appropriate photo, which will warn others to stay extra vigilant. “Facebook vigilantism is the future of policing,” said St Neots police station’s cleaner. “It means we can get the public involved and have a legitimate excuse for being on various social networking sites during work hours. And it won’t cost us a bean.”

For once, not a single councillor was available to comment. We tried to reach councillor Dougall, but he refused to answer the phone for fear of breaking his own restraining order.

The councillor, who cannot be named, pleaded guilty to one case of thinking for himself and another two counts of harassment by dangerous thinking.

The charges were brought against him after a number of incidents in the Whitehall Walk and Duck Lane areas of Eynesbury in October last year.

The restraining order prevents him from entering into any illogical thought process for two years. Although saved from a 4 month prison sentence, any breach of the order and self-thinking without supervision will see the councillor removed from the area. The councillor was also ordered to remove any public admission of self-thinking and his profile on a local interweb forum has been altered accordingly.

Sandy Roxton, from the Eynesbury neighbourhood watch scheme, said: “This decision to curtail unpleasant incidents of anti-social self-thinking, at least in public, should send a strong message to any other wannabe’s trying to get their name in the paper.”

Councillor Terrence Dougall said “It’s good to see that an individual who caused a lot of grief to the residents of Eynesbury has been dealt with. Has anyone got a spare bed?”

Bertrand Russell was unavailable for comment.

Marston appeared in several national newspapers and was the subject of a widely-supported Facebook group after she alledged that local yobs kicked her too-young-to-be-outside puppy to death in Priory Park.

However, a post mortem has shown that the canine’s demise was due to the Parvo virus. The fact that the dog was outside being walked before it had been fully immunised is probably one of the main reasons behind it kicking the bucket.

“I am proper fucked off about this,” said local hoodie Darren Kevin, 17, of Sandwich Road, when we interrupted him keying a neighbour’s car to ask his opinion. “OK, we might smash your windows or shout at your nan, but we’ve been blamed for killing a dog, and that ain’t on.”

His associate Barry King, also 17, stopped tagging his auntie’s fence for a minute to say, “If it was a kitten I could understand. I mean, dogs are the ultimate hoodie chav accessory these days. Especially ones like Jack Russells that don’t look viscious, cos then you can, like, train ‘em to be, like, super-stealth attack dogs or something.”

King hastily pointed out that he doesn’t kill kittens either – “They’re nasty little fuckers too if you, like, train them… and they’re fluffy and cute.”

People posting on the “Justice for the Dead Dog” Facebook group were shocked at the news that the teen had lied about the demise of her beloved pooch. Her chavvy friends instantly commented that “everyone can fuck off right, just cos the post mortem showed that the dog died of natural causes don’t mean it wasn’t kicked to death.”

Council leader Julia Wayward was quick to comment. “This girl has given St Neots – and it’s indiginous hoodie yobs – a bad name. It’s time she faced up to what she’s done and apologised.”

Not content with rumours that the town is made up of inter-marrying cousins, and that the clap is airbourne in Eynesbury, Eastside chavs have now added “danger zone for dogs” to the list.

Local teen May Marston, of Barringer Way, had taken her too-young-to-be-outside puppy for a walk in Priory Park, when she put it down for a minute, as you do, and some “local yobs” either stamped, kicked or trampled it to death.

“This is a fucking outrage!” said almost everyone on the local St Neots forums, where ninety percent of the content of other local papers originates. “St Neots should be on the map for the new fence in Cambridge street or something, not shocking incidents of caninicide.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was quick to blame “the system”, rather than the fact that these hoodies need a good punching. “But then again,” said one of his colleagues, “if this hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be in the Daily Mail or the Sun… I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but…”

A lynch mob was last night roaming the streets of St Neots, using small cats stolen from the Parklands area of Eynesbury as bait. “If I see so much as a Doc Marten coming in the direction of one of these kittens,” said torch-wielding mobster Aaron Ovitch, 41, “it’ll me the last move the little Duck Lane twat ever makes.”

Similar town Wantage, which previously attempted to sue St Neots for being too much like it, offered help and guidance to the local population. Mill Street man Eric Lichardson, 26, said “Perhaps your town should employ ethics instructors to teach Neotians that it’s not ok to kick little fluffy baby puppies with big cute eyes and floppy ears to a bloody savage death. Do you need help from
Wantage?”

Another resident commented, “I think we’ll have to nuke St Neots from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

St Neots town council leader Julia Wayward was said to be seriously considering the offer.

STD have confirmed that a “senior manager” with little responsibility had taken it upon himself to release a statement about something they knew nothing about. Reading between the lines The Citizen believes that the statement was probably true, but STD had underestimated the reaction and has now put some poor junior in the firing line.

Reaction from the town was more varied. Self-thinking councillor Terence Dougall was incensed. “I can’t bloody believe it” he said. “I have a great idea to support local business and it falls at the first hurdle. I going to be thinking hard about it all weekend.”

However Cambridge Road resident L. Tisley, who we spoke to earlier this week, commented “Thank Christ for that. At least there’s an end in sight to my walking amongst the unwashed every morning and evening.”

SNTC plans to separate St Neots from the rest of England have been strongly denied (until Monday).

Local resident pulls a scary "I'm Angry" face

Number one on your hitlist is still the debacle over the St Neots cinema. Despite the fact that cinemas are run by private businesses, not local councils, the general population is still insisting that our represntatives “give us something for a change instead of Huntingdon”.

“Piss take innit,” rambled Eynesbury man Darren Durban, 19, of the Broadwalk. “I can’t drive to Huntingdon to go to see the new Disney, erm, I mean, Tarantino film because I haven’t passed my test, so that to me says a cinema in St Neots would make loads of cash.

“I appreciate councils don’t normally run these sorts of enterprises but maybe they could use profits to offset the frankly ridiculous amounts of council tax my benefits pay each month.”

Also on the Eastside is the hotly-contested issue of what to do with the £70,000 up for grabs in association with slum landlords Luminus.

The Voice Your Choice event, in association with Eynesbury Neighbourhood Management Committee (ENMAC) is asking for suggestions from Eastside residents, so our intrepid reporter A.J. Oke ventured into the badlands to find out, as they say, “wha gwan”.

Taylor Woodrow, 13, from Duck Lane, said that her and her friends “would love mobile charging points at bus stops, so we can play tinny R&B sounds through our rubbish speakers while our boyfriends smash the fuck out of the shelters.” Dave Darko of Andrew Road, meanwhile, thought the £70k would be better spent on “somewhere we can buy cheap WKD an’ that yeah innit bruv.”

Continuing the theme of council cash being used for things it shouldn’t, Jerry and Pauline Meghane, of Sandfields Road, suggested “somewhere we can palm the kids off to would be nice, so we can watch Jeremy Kyle in peace,” while neighbour Kev Stevenson, 19, suggested “more bike racks, as the last one I ‘found’ had a buckled wheel innit.”

Hattie Jackson, 50, of Ream Close said that she couldn’t possibly get involved as she is “from Eynesbury Manor, darling, certainly not Eynesbury,” while finally Emily Banks-Banks, 20, of Eaton Ford chipped in “£70 grand? Is Eynesbury being rebuilt then?”

Finally, the town’s planned super-surgery came under the spotlight again as Malling Health was granted planning permission to use the long-empty Rosebys store, on Moores Walk, as a late-night doctors emporium.

“It’s shite is what it is,” said Toseland resident James Newlyn, 59. “I’ll have to drive into St Neots to see a doctor, I mean really it is too much.”

Also conveniently forgetting that most villages have no doctors anyway, Duloe woman Patricia Benetar, 48, said “if my fucking leg drops off I’m not waiting for an ambulance, my doctor must be local so I can call on him – or her, I suppose there are female doctors nowadays – any time.”

“We feel everyone has missed the point,” said NHS spokesman Phillip Morris Marlboro. “The super surgery is an EXTRA surgery, we aren’t amalgamating all the existing doctors into it. Although if everyone keeps pissing and moaning about it, frankly that might be a good idea.”

Interviews by AJ Oke and Citizen Editor

St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt we got a mc donalds in the town yet,this place needs to get with it and get some decent shops like next and that.does anyone agree”

Forum regulars – otherwise known mostly as normal people – were taken aback by the outburst. The Citizen’s associate Oi!! Magazine editor, Mr Thundopalous P. Staker, esq., said, “It made my fucking eyes bleed reading that.

“We’re all used to the occasional new chav learning how to navigate away from Bebo and vomiting the contents of their feeble brain all over our local sites, but this really took the piss.”

Other regulars pointed out to Mr Murphy that perhaps McDonalds could not exactly be classed as a “decent shop”, to which he replied “ruavegie mate mcdsissoooogood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The Citizen’s translators were completely lost at this point, but think that “ruavegie” roughly tanslates as “please help me, I am far too daft to be allowed to walk the streets and therefore must consume my own body-weight in mechanically-recovered meat until I can no longer leave the house.”

However at this point Mr Murphy went quiet. It is thought the 1-key came off his keyboard and the thought of a post without exclaimation marks drove him to take his own worthless Burberry-clad life.

Referring of course to the recent Worx closure Miss Dington chose to gob off even though no one, least of all The Citizen, could give a blind toss. In fact most right minded people gave a sigh of relief once the place shut it doors forever.

The Citizen sent a reporter out onto the street to see if Miss Dington’s claims of “confusion and loneliness” were in any way valid.

“What you fucking looking at?”  screamed one passer-by as our reporter approached a bunch of scrotes outside The Corner House. Asking for the groups perception of the socio-economic and facilities/benefit impact of receivership closures of local franchises our reporter was set about mercilessly.

Speaking from his Hinchinbrooke hospital bed he said “she might have a point – they did seem rather tense.”

Ray Winstone was unavailable for comment.