Ingredients

150g-200g dried taglietelle per person
4 Laughing Cow triangles nicked from the fridge of a mum or nan
Cheap ham offcuts pinched from Tesco whilst ostensibly purchasing a copy of the Sport (haha, boobs)

Method

Cook the pasta in some water. If you don’t know how to get the gas on, just imagine it’s a large Sovereign and light it that was. If electric, purchase gloves.
When the pasta is nearly done, get a frying pan from Westgate and heat that up too. Open your Laughing Cow triangles.
Throw the wrappers in an alleyway for they are mere rubbish.
Melt down the cheesy stuff and stir in some hams. Obtain beans; throw them at Grubby Pete who has just arrived near the kitchen to ask why you’re writing his column.
If the beans don’t scare him off/satiate his hunger, go up S&S and buy a three-litre bottle of White Ace using your big brother’s expired passport as proof of age.
Check the pasta is cooked by dipping your friend’s stupid fingers in it. That’ll teach him to finger that bird you were eyeing up, the bastard!
Stir the whole sorry mess together, plonk in a bowl and announce that it is, indeed, food.

Well done. Make sure you give that fourteen-year-old bird of your a double portion; she’s eating for two now!

Perfectly accompanied by a can of Fosters and three B&H Silver.

Thanks to Mark I-Mark for this recipe. Submit yours by emailing cookingbeans[at]stneotscitizen.com

It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of Bedfordshire Police and Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

Chief Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, from Cambs Police, released the following statement after presenting him with our findings.

“Cambs Police had help to co-fund this bridge with our colleagues over the border to help in our current campaign, ‘Operation Collar a Chav called Kevin’, or ‘CACK’. The St Neotian chav is not the brightest of the chav species inhabiting this island, and will always take the shortest, most direct route home after a bit of thieving, vandalism or fighting – not bothering to circuitously avoid the Rozzers at all.

“Regular trips into Little Barford to burn out a car prompted Beds Police to help in the bridge’s funding. Once on this highway we can easily pick them up at the other end.”

Mrs Moore from from Huddersfield, holidaying in the Eynesbury Camp Site, is not so convinced. “They will just run down the side of this lovely little camp site, ruining a good swinging session or an early night. The last thing we want is that blasted helicopter hanging over us”

Ex-councilor Julia Wayward thought the idea was “Excellent,” but added “Please don’t call me again. I only left the council so the Citizen would leave me alone.”

With the darker nights soon to be coming, it is expected the bridge will become busier by the day – once Darren and his mates have smashed all the lights, of course.

Recently I was forced to move to this wonderful town by my mother. At first I was apprehensive, but soon found my feet with my own kind, and set about hanging around on street corners in Eynesbury.

Imagine my horror when I wished to travel to the Westside of town, for the shoplifting opportunities offered by Tesco Express and One Stop, and found that the Chav Superhighway I had been told so much of before arriving here was still not fully finished! And there was I, hoping for fun and frolicks with the nearest be-tracksuited youth, under the light of the CCTV!

I fail, sir, to comprehend how a bridge that was installed three months ago, is still not accessible to those of us seeking alternative petty-crime perpetration spots. I trust your fine publication will investigate the matter post-haste!

Yours,

Chardonnay-Leigh, 14, Duck Lane

Angry fourteen-year-olds – up to five of them – gathered on the Market Square last night armed with pictures of petrol bombs and polystyrene bricks. “We’re gonna smash some shit up!” screamed Ernulf student Luke Moran, 13. “Obviously we don’t actually want to get in any trouble though, hence the lack of real bricks an’ ting.”

Police turned up after being called by a member of staff at the Corner House, looked at the snarling hoodies, chuckled and left.

A similar failure also occurred in Cambridge, after a gang of forty or so failed abortions tried to break into the Grafton Centre. Onlooker Steven Nicks, 50, said “It was hilarious. They were only armed with their arms, and when a PCSO asked them nicely to fuck off, they did.”

Prime Minister David Cameron said that hoodies around the UK could learn from Cambridgeshire. “We’ve all got the message,” he said. “You’re annoyed because you can’t afford to buy weed and trainers because you can’t be arsed to get a job. Bunch of absolute twats. There’s no need to actually use fire and knives in this situation – why not take the initiative from Neotian preteens and have a nice game of Let’s Pretend?”

Cameron today chaired another emergency Cobra meeting. Local man Dr John Renege said he “failed to see how snakes were going to fix this situation”.

Spokesman Darren Waynerightyeah was said to be “embarrassed” yesterday after his group of semi-literate morons, collected from the Market Square on a Friday night, travelled to Washington after mixing up the names “Osama” and “Obama”.

“We very nearly had the wrong fellow there,” said Waynerightyeah, 17, who is currently travelling back to St Neots to sit his GCSE exams at Ernulf School St Neots Community College. “I can tell you, that would have left us mightily red-faced!”

The error was discovered after one of the group noticed a report in favourite newsrag the Sun about the current controversy over the US president’s place of birth. “Bloody good job as well,” says Waynerightyeah. “If Frankie hadn’t been reading page three’s informative News In Briefs, we might never have realised that these were not only two different people, but mortal enemies!”

Scheme mastermind DI Kim Stonely-Bolton of Cambridgeshire Constabulary commented, “If they’d accidentally shot Brack Obama, I’m fairly sure the US would have considered it an act of war. Unlike when they decide someone needs killing, when it becomes a necessity to ensure the future of the free world. Obviously.”

The White House refused to comment last night.

However, it appears reports of a gun battle involving US Marines were in fact covering the true facts – a gang of moody St Neots chavs in fact carried out the execution.

Councillor Julia Wayward said, “Locals may remember that we rounded up a load of angry hoodies a couple of months back to go after Colonel Gaddafi. Having failed in this task, we sent them after bin Laden instead.”

Spokesman Darren Waynerightyeah, 17, said “It just goes to show that if one of the largest armies in the world can’t get something done in a decade, us Neotians can wrap it up in under ninety days. My mum’s well proud. Innit.”

It is thought that the troop of under-agers, who were grouped into an unsettling militia by the rozzers back in February, will next pursue whatever bogeyman the US decides to be frightened of now that the al-Qaeda figurehead ha been slain.

In related news, the St Neots Rumour Mill got all its staff to come in on the bank holiday to begin churning out the sorts of Chinese whispers that normally result from such a result. MD Beatty Broadband said “This is a fantastic result. The resulting conspiracy theories and rumours of who will be next will ensure that when we announce our results for the next quarter, the resulting celebration will be quite a result. Result!”

Keep reading the Citizen for news of our world-record attempt for the most different uses of the word “result” in one paragraph, with live results.

Local staff nurse Nicola Pinkside and her compatriots were accosted by police in the overgrown concrete Hertfordshire shithole and forcibly ejected from the so-called town. “Apparently we’d smashed up a pub earlier in the evening,” said Pinkside, “but frankly I think I’d remember that.”

A spokesman for Hertfordshire Constabulary said, “It’s obvious these Cambridgeshire girls were to blame for the pub-destroying incident. No-one from Stevenage ever does anything violent ever.”

Stevenage suffers from a high level of violent crime compared to the surrounding area, and it is thought the local rozzers are keen to blame all the borough’s problems on intruders from the more salubrious county to the North. “I think we can close the book on every unsolved nan-mugging and midnight shoeing in the area,” said Pc Ras Prince, “as it’s clear that we’ve now removed this violent Cantabridgian faction.”

St Neots councillors responded by demanding Stevenagers look “in the fucking mirror” to find all the criminals they could ever want.

Reports in local rags of a “grey crime-wave” only hint at the daily abuse suffered by local teens at the hands of loudmouthed bus pass holders.

“Me and about seventeen of my under-age mates were kicking off at the bouncers at the Pig’n'Falcon the other night,” said Sandfields Road lad Martin Winston, 15, “when all of a sudden these two old geezers rocked up with some sort of shotgun and told us to fuck off. They said they knew where we lived and would be round later to have words with our mums. I’ve never been so terrified.”

Indeed, earlier reports of crime-fighting OAPs appear to be a cover – in fact, it’s the wrinkly septegenarians themselves perpetrating almost all offences in the area.

Age Concern spokesman Terry Tempsford said that most elderly were probably only carrying guns left over from the Boer War, which finished in 1902. Claims were instantly dismissed as rubbish by under-attack asbo chavlets. “By my reckoning that’d make most survivors 129,” said Queens Gardens resident Stacey Lane, 14, “and they’re definitely young enough to run after us at a fair old lick.”

Police spokesman Kim Stonely-Bolton today warned aggro-causing youngsters to be on their guard. “It’s the same advice we used to give out to pensioners, before it turned out they were the worst of the lot. Don’t walk alone after dark, and if you feel threatened, call the rozzers.”

Off the records, Stonely-Bolton commented that “It’ll do the little fuckers good to have a taste of their own medicine.”

The arcade, which features 2p-push machines, classic Sega Rally, air hockey and five-minute pool amongst other things, offered a welcome change to the little ratbags who are used to using the excuse of lack of facilities for their OAP-vandalising pastimes.

“It were bare nang,” said Tommy Warland, 14, from Sandfields Road. “We went in and had a cup of tea innit, and played a bit of pinball. I beat my mate Darren and called him a twat, and then we had some prize tickets and oh look a dog! Haha!”

Sadly, despite the magnetic appeal of the bright greens and pinks and ersatz electronic musak, severe ADHD – which, if you believe the parents, affects 97% of teens today – meant that in under seven minutes the group was bored and soon moved on to stand outside Greggs, spitting at passers by and standing with one hand down their pants.

“Really,” said councillor Julia Wayward, “we must congratulate the owners of Amuseworld for providing a small window in which Neotians can walk down the High Street without having to listen to Tinie fucking Tempah blasting out of some shoddy Nokia speakers. Well done!”

“It’s been proven that when boys and girls are seperated,” said principal Robert Whatnow, “they learn better and stop fucking about. Some of them might actually get the odd GCSE instead of an ASBO.”

The school claims that it has conducted extensive research into the idea, which will see boys learning at Longsands and girls at the Eynesbury counterpart. However, a teacher who did not wish to be named rubbished that idea. “What actually happened,” he said, “is that someone watched Waterloo Road last week and decided to copy them. Obviously it’s not going to make them learn any better, but it might slow the rate of pregnancy among our year nines, where there is a higher birth rate than India, China or even Cambourne.”