A story in the national news today (Saturday) explained how children will be tested on non-words such as ‘zort’ and ‘koob’, to ensure they are not simply memorising words and regurgitating them like some sort of literary sparrow feeding it’s chicks.

St Neots educators were disgusted. “Despite the fact that most of us learned to read using phonics in the eighties and that,” said year 2 Crosshall teacher Andrew Parr, “we’ve decided this is a stupid idea and instead will teach children to speak how people actually do – chavspeak, basically.”

The Citizen attended a cross-school meeting of teachers held at Bushmead last week, where the main debate was around spellings of certain chavvy words. “We’re not sure,” said Priory headteacher Lisa Crawley, “whether it should be ‘blood’ or ‘blud’, for example. Many chavspeak words are essentially formed phonetically but there are, as with traditional English, some anomolies.”

It is proposed that new reading tests will pose youngsters questions and ask them to answer with a word or two, rather than merely spelling a word read out by a teacher. Questions will include “You meet your breds down by the river. There’s three of them and one bird. What is an appropriate greeting?” – the answer to this, of course, is “Safe fam, wha gwarn?”

More traditional educators were horrified. “It’s bad enough they’re all speaking like this,” said English teacher Sue Anders of Longsands, “without us encouraging it. Bunch of little twats.”

The new curriculum begins next week.

Following revelations that the councillors are all in fact five years old – explaining instantly why they all act so childishly – Bushmead and Middlefield schools offered places to the councillors immediately.

Former Bushmead headmaster David Cheddar said, “I got involved in this. From reading the latest outpouring of tripe from these ‘esteemed local politicians’ on the local community forums, it became clear that perhaps our representatives were in fact acting their age. Five.”

He went on, “Clearly they had all failed to get into Crosshall, and somehow ended up in politics as they could find no suitable alternative education.”

Lorna Dickie, who teaches reception class at Middlefield, said “I’m always glad to welcome new children into my class. I just hope they all learn to share the scissors during art & craft, and play nicely together at lunchtime.”