Despite popular belief that almost no lights have been put up following a massive balls-up two years ago when a woman was thumped on the head with a falling cross-street display, the council revealed that in fact approximately fifty gantries have been put up over the High Street, but they are not visible to the naked eye.

“It’s the perfect solution,” said council leader Julia Wayward. “We found out about some obscure EU funding for reducing the town’s overall electricity consumption. We based the savings on the festive illuminations from 2001 to 2005, and worked out how much we’re saving now.

“The grant doesn’t apply to towns who merely put up less lights, so we installed a shitload of invisible lights across the High Street, Market Square and New Street, slashing the power bill by 80% year-on-year.”

Local residents were relived that their lights were not the crappest in the county for the third year running, following the 2007 incident. “Well,” commented Penwryn Court resident Jake Cornswalez, “We may not be able to see the lights, but now we know they are there, we can thumb our noses at those superior fuckers in Huntingdon once more.”

A spokesman for the EU said, “Obviously it was difficult to judge just how eco-friendly the invisible lights are, but when the council showed us that they used exactly zero electricity, we were more than happy to pay the full £14m grant.” It is thought that after deductions the council will receive approximately £18.32.

The usual events surrounding the illuminations went ahead as planned yesterday (Friday), including a rubbish fair with about four rides, and displays from various local dance troupes and suchlike.

But Grosvenor Gardens resident and former manager of the Wrestlers, Dave Kitchenappliance, said there was no way to tell if the meagre display had actually been activated. “The lights are pretty shit eh,” said Kitchenappliance, 39. “Because they’re all attached to lamp posts, which are often brighter than the displays themselves, it’s difficult to tell if there are in fact any bulbs in them.”

A council insider suggested that Kitchenappliance may not be far off. “There was some muttering about just putting coloured foil in the place of the lightbulbs,” said the mystery spokesman, “so that the street lights would just reflect off them, thereby saving us a good forty quid.

Obviously we wouldn’t get away with doing that with the cross-street lights, but we have managed to, erm, delay the Health & Safety report again so we have an excuse to leave them out.”

Local mums were shocked. Sandfields Road mother of three Jacqui Dee, 22, said “Well I brought the kids down for the lights and that, and they’re shit. The Christmas tree doesn’t even have any lights on it! And Woolworths used to open late when the lights got switched on, what a load of old shit.”

Officially, the council would not confirm the rumours. “The lights are pretty, I think,” said Cllr Terrence Dougall, who later admitted he hasn’t been into the town centre for six months. “If there was a cinema, it’d be even better.”

Editor Tim C said, “You couldn’t make it up really, so why even try?

“Over the past few years we have had increasingly awful Christmas lights displays, ever since that one gantry fell down on some pedestrian.”

The lights planned for 2007, including spectacular new pieces purchased at vast expense, were warehoused after a poorly-attached cross-street display fell down, landing on a passing mother. The Health & Safety Executive are still to conclude their report into the incident, even though the cause – a fucking great lump of metal poorly attached to a centuries-old building not designed for it – was blindingly obvious.

“These things have to be investigated properly,” said Julia Wayward, town council leader. “At least this year we don’t have to cancel Chas and Dave again.”

Chas and Dave both declined to comment.

In a surprise move local traders have decided the lights are simply too crap to display. The recent HSE report has been leaked in full to the Citizen with no bits blacked out. It appears that the report said the lights were so crap that it would be dangerous to the future reputation of the town.

Leader of the Council Julia Waywood commented “These lights were so shite and we were so proud of them, any trailer park would be, and it really added to the character of the town.”

Ms Wayward was also concerned that a more tasteful display may have to found, moving away from the usual tacky crap.

Local trader Barry Chuckle said he had spoken to other traders in the town and they all felt that the reputation of the town was too precious to risk a serious injury.

At a Council meeting councillors debated what to do with the lights. One suggestion was to decorate Cllr Terrence Dougall’s house to demonstrate that the lights really are on even if no one is at home. Mr Dougall thinking for himself commented “I would like to demonstrate that a light does come on when you think for yourself.”

It was decided to use the lights to decorate the Priory, “since it is such a crap building the lights should really complement it,” commented Steve van de Whitevanman.

Chas and Dave were also rumoured once again to be switching on the lights this year. Speaking from his luxury villa near Margate Chas Hodges commented “we really felt robbed after the last debacle; we don’t often get a chance to pull the switch on such a great display. Haha.”

Dave was unavailable for comment.

The report, which the Council have been awaiting for a year now, was expected to conclude the H&SE’s investigation into why a lighting rig came down in the run-up to Christmas 2007, and therefore allow the Council to return to the tradition of massive tacky lighting displays for the festive season.

The accident happened when the gantry, which was attached to the top of the Norwich & Peterborough building society, broke loose from it’s brackets pulling chunks of building down with it. But the report, rumoured to have cost almost one Rowley Million, seems to be merely a discussion of crackpot theories.

“It is possible, of course, that this incident was caused by small elves,” says the 3,596 page document, “who are known to take offence to the term ‘Health & Safety’.” Apparently this upsets elves, who mishear it as “Elf & Safety”, which is usually prefixed by “fucking ridiculous” – and they assume everyone hates them.

Other reasons mooted by the Executive’s dossier include local Asbo teens climbing onto the lights to look down ladies’ tops, and stray cats using the display as a climbing frame.

More worrying is the fact that Council members and employees have been barred from revealing details of the accident, prompting speculation that one of them did it on purpose “for shits and giggles” – possibly Derek Miles during the period he was channelling the spirit of his own non-existent evil twin brother.

One local resident commented, “I could have done this report in less than a minute.” Urged to continue, he said, “Some twat attached a hefting great lump of metal and glass to a centuries-old building that, surprise sur-fucking-prise, wasn’t designed for such things. And then it fell down. Case closed.”

The official release of the document is expected sometime between now and March, 2014.

Partner Irma Konnman said that his firm had laid on extra staff in the High Street and Market Square last Friday in order to ambulance-chase any victims of falling rigs and masonry. But this was made unlikely by the lacklustre illuminations. “I’m not expecting Blackpool or anything,” said Konnman, “but this is just taking the piss for a town of this size.”

Up until 2006, the Christmas lighting in St Neots had become wonderfully tacky, with “snow-effect” light strips and massive lighting gantries across the road, complete with real miniature trees suspended above the junctions.

But following last year’s fiasco when a lighting rig fell on a pedestrian, the town and district councils have reduced the decorations to tinsel and fairy lights on a few lamp-posts. “We wouldn’t want to get sued,” said spokesman Dean Dexter, “although I suppose then we would have an excuse to increase council tax and therefore provide a better service in our planned non-specific-use centre.”

Undeterred, lawyers are turning their attentions to environmental activists and the weather, in light of the current cold snap. Spokesman for Bedford-based moneyhungrylitigation.com Steve Stevens said, “It’s ridiculous that we are allowing these tree-hugging hippies with dirty long hair to get everyone reducing their carbon bootprint and carbon dioxide emissions. If it stays this cold people will be slipping over on the ice left right and centre – that’s very painful if you slip all three ways at the same time.”

Stevens is hoping to file a class action against “all crusties” and fictional character Mother Nature, to win compensation for anyone slipping on the ice. He encouraged people to run along uneven surfaces in the dark whenever the temperature drops below zero, and of course to call his firm before dialling 999.

When asked how he intended to ensure Mother Nature turned up in court, Stevens replied “I expect we’ll just blame someone vaguely related to the weather, like Michael Fish, or of course CERN – everyone knows they’re bloody sinister.”

Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007′s decorations as a failure, they would run twelve months late every year.

Re-employed at the council following a leave of absence, Dean Dexter said, “This is a brilliant plan on our part. By staging the 2007 Big Switch-On next Friday (28th), we can go back twelve months and use the lessons we have learned to make some serious money. I mean, improvements.”

The council is hoping that by altering time in this way, St Neots may be able to buck the economic trends of 2008 and become the most affluent area in the UK. “Obviously we’ll have to do away with a few of the more chavvy elements of the town, but we hope that the new KFC will soon be keeping them all occupied at the bottom of Eaton Socon, and if we’re lucky giving them food poisoning too.”

The lights are being turned on by swimmer Mark Foster, who says that if this radical plan to alter reality does indeed work, he’ll be able to win a few more Olympic medals in the 2008 Olympics. “You never know,” he said, “a few golds might persuade the council to bring back the outdoor pool.”

Councillor Bob Farms, who six years ago refused to spend any of an £80million surplus on fixing the ailing outdoor pool, commented that, “You’ve got as much chance of that happening as you have of getting a cinema. Haha!”

As the scheme, which the council are referring to by the snappy title of “Project Turn Back Time”, seems a bit far-fetched, the Citizen went to the town’s basement levels to speak to Guillaume la Trec, spokesman for CERN, whose Big Bang Machine the LHC is located somewhere under the town. “Ze most likely outcome,” said la Trec, “is zat a few people will be confused about the date. Saying zat it is 2007 is probably not going to cause time to actually change.” He went on to comment that at least if CERN inadvertently causes the end of the known universe, St Neots will be able to enjoy one more illuminated Christmas, as all festive seasons will now run fifty-two weeks behind schedule.

Cllr Miles commented today, “In keeping with last years events and one of the big films this year, it is announced that the theme will be Indiana Jones.”

When questioned on the local aspect of the theme, Cllr Miles replied “If you can get from one end of the High Street to the other without being hit by Indiana Jones-style swinging lights, each shopper will be given a £1 High Street voucher.”

The much-maligned, slightly mad council leader continued, “This really serves two purposes. Firstly get more people into the town with the incentive of the voucher, and secondly encourage spending in the town, a great idea especially with the financial downturn.”

Will this idea be a hit? The Citizen will keep you informed.

Sotry by A.J. Oke

Dean Dexter, a spokesperson from the Town Council, said “we are absolutely delighted to be switching the lights on next week as it will really help boost trade in the town centre in the run up to Christmas”. He went on to say that they have chosen to switch the lights on early to raise people’s spirits in the town as the economy borders on a recession.

Child’s Pond Road resident Helen Bosworth said, “The festivities seem to be starting earlier and earlier so I am not surprised that they are being switched on in July”. Following the Christmas lights fiasco last year, it remains to be seen what decorations will festoon the town.

Dexter said “the lights will be even more impressive than those on display last year, and I think Huntingdon will be quaking in their boots when the lights are switched on in St Neots”.

Due to fears over health and safety, the big switch on will be taking place on Friday at 7pm before it gets too dark when it is deemed unsafe for young people to be hanging around in the Market Square. The lights are being switched on by a secret local celebrity. However, it is believed that the celebrity was chosen because they are currently filming Christmas scenes for a popular TV soap.

As for fears over pieces of buildings falling off under the strain of the lights, Expert Scientists were keen to assuage fears of residents. “Skyhooks. We’ll use skyhooks,” claimed an unnamed expert.

Story by Bebamag Reporter